Storms rolling forth, circling their prey. Rolling and rumbling, emitting sounds of anger. Waiting for the right moment to unleash its ferocity upon the onlookers below.
Great patience is needed for such a task. . . Minutes pass by. . . still keeping those waiting, expectant. Finally, word comes and the storm, capturing unawares, unleashes the beast within. leaving nothing behind but a tumultuous wake of chaos to any who may have survived.
The storm dissipates, as if nothing was once there, nothing that could have ever caused this much damage. The survivors didn't know what hit them. All that was once chaotic is now calm and beautiful.
Dumbfounded, how could something this bad have ever occurred? They never would have thought something this devastating could have happened to them.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
10 December. A whirlwind of chaos
There seems to be an antagonist
in the front door to my facade.
Coming to extort my sanity;
breaking me down to the last few threads
that have somehow managed to hang on.
Making me more vulnerable to the stress
of the antagonism and other stressors of life.
Evoking unwanted emotions,
merging with pleasant feelings.
concocting a whirlwind of mental and physical chaos.
What is going on? Why won't the antagonist
cease his attacks?
I wish only to be left alone
with some from of peace and my sanity
to move on with things of happier light.
Please retreat from this facade,
and leave me in peace....
in the front door to my facade.
Coming to extort my sanity;
breaking me down to the last few threads
that have somehow managed to hang on.
Making me more vulnerable to the stress
of the antagonism and other stressors of life.
Evoking unwanted emotions,
merging with pleasant feelings.
concocting a whirlwind of mental and physical chaos.
What is going on? Why won't the antagonist
cease his attacks?
I wish only to be left alone
with some from of peace and my sanity
to move on with things of happier light.
Please retreat from this facade,
and leave me in peace....
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
10 Dec. Anyone there?
It seems that I've got these enormous holes in the road to my future;
concealing me from that which I want most.
What are they? Where'd they come from?
What is holding me back from crossing this first one?
I'm afraid I'll be consumed by the vast enveloping darkness.
I can vaguely see what could be on the other side;
It could be worth falling down and failing a few times for,
to see what it could be, and what may be.
I really want to run, and jump over this vast pothole
but something is making me hesitant of reaching this goal;
this worthwhile object.
Why can't I just do like others and just go for it like there's no yesterday.
What is it going to take to conquer these fears of mine?
How can I overcome this hesitancy?
Will there be anyone there for me?
concealing me from that which I want most.
What are they? Where'd they come from?
What is holding me back from crossing this first one?
I'm afraid I'll be consumed by the vast enveloping darkness.
I can vaguely see what could be on the other side;
It could be worth falling down and failing a few times for,
to see what it could be, and what may be.
I really want to run, and jump over this vast pothole
but something is making me hesitant of reaching this goal;
this worthwhile object.
Why can't I just do like others and just go for it like there's no yesterday.
What is it going to take to conquer these fears of mine?
How can I overcome this hesitancy?
Will there be anyone there for me?
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Nov 22. Please would you?
Hey to whomever reads this, Please check this page out. My friend is having a hard time and was looking to see if anyone out there, our of the kindness of their heart would help him maybe get back on his feet. He is trying to raise some money to get a computer back so he can go back to school. Please check this out.
I hope everyone has an amazing Thanksgiving break and week! I know I am going to.
Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Nov 16. My own profoundness. ON Nov 18.
DONT WORRY about it love.
It will all work out.
Get in your zone of amazingness and remember that God is there for you and He has a plan for you.
You will not be stressed if you just remember that He loves you and Has something for you.
I had some stressing stuff with scheduling as well b/c the times didn't work out for the classes I wanted to take for next semester. But I felt I should take some other class at a different time and thought:
maybe it is His intervention and it made it much easier.
when it feels like satan is just trying to make a situation worse don't let him get down and just think and remember that it could be the lord helping you along the way to something that He needs you to do for him! that it is the Lord's way of intervening in your life and letting you know that you need to go somewhere else, because there is someones life you are supposed to influence. and He needs you to do His work, by being their angel.
That it is the Lord's way of letting you know that you need to go somewhere else, because there is someones life you are supposed to be in and influence.
and He needs you to do His work.
WOW I wrote this while talking to a friend of mine the other day and realized, that instead of writing it for her, I was actually writing it for me. I was the one that needed to hear all of this. It still amazes me how I figure things out these days...
man.
It will all work out.
Get in your zone of amazingness and remember that God is there for you and He has a plan for you.
You will not be stressed if you just remember that He loves you and Has something for you.
I had some stressing stuff with scheduling as well b/c the times didn't work out for the classes I wanted to take for next semester. But I felt I should take some other class at a different time and thought:
maybe it is His intervention and it made it much easier.
when it feels like satan is just trying to make a situation worse don't let him get down and just think and remember that it could be the lord helping you along the way to something that He needs you to do for him! that it is the Lord's way of intervening in your life and letting you know that you need to go somewhere else, because there is someones life you are supposed to influence. and He needs you to do His work, by being their angel.
That it is the Lord's way of letting you know that you need to go somewhere else, because there is someones life you are supposed to be in and influence.
and He needs you to do His work.
WOW I wrote this while talking to a friend of mine the other day and realized, that instead of writing it for her, I was actually writing it for me. I was the one that needed to hear all of this. It still amazes me how I figure things out these days...
man.
Friday, October 31, 2008
October 31. Recent Development
I really am starting to kick myself in the pants.
For the past many weeks, since I have been up here at school, and especially since my birthday on the 20 of This month, I have been having this thought that I need to call my grandparents.
Did I call them the moment I had that thought???
Heavens no. I had so much going on, and with school, my teaching calling, and other things in my life, I just thought I couldn't find the time to call them for at least a few minutes. Most of the time I would set a time to call them, but when that time came around I would forget, and it would be too late to call them when I remembered.
With recent development, I found out two days ago, that my grandmother, who is my dad's step-mother, went to the doctors the other day because she had jaundice, and this pain in her abdomen . . .
Come to find out, she has a mass between her liver and pancreas. She went to Huntsman's today for an appointment to see how big the mass was, what it contained, and how big the area it was that it is in. I don't really remember all of the details of what is going on, but my grandfather (my dad's dad, has diabetes and on set Alzheimer's) can't be left alone for this reason, so my dad's little sister has been taking care of them. My aunt's husband's mother, the one that is taking care of my grandpa, is a nurse and was telling my aunt that cancer of the pancreas is a very serious thing and surgery. My grandma will have to go through chemotherapy after her surgery....
So my mother and I were just talking today about how my Grandpa is taking this. He seems to be doing so well with everything that is going on, that it almost seems weird. For having his first wife die of breast cancer, and now his second having Pancreatic cancer you think that he would be doing worse, I know I wouldn't be handling this situation as well as he is right now. But, I guess you can say that he is a lot stronger than I am, considering he has lived almost 85 years, and I only 20; he definitely has some experience with life on me.
But you know, Right now I don't really want to think of the possibilities of the things that might happen. I have not been to see my grandparents for almost a year and a half now, and. . . it saddens me that I have not had the opportunity to do so, especially now considering the situation.
If you are reading this, I know that my family will be praying and fasting for the Lord's will to be done, could you also keep my family in your prayers.... It would be much appreciated...
Loves.
For the past many weeks, since I have been up here at school, and especially since my birthday on the 20 of This month, I have been having this thought that I need to call my grandparents.
Did I call them the moment I had that thought???
Heavens no. I had so much going on, and with school, my teaching calling, and other things in my life, I just thought I couldn't find the time to call them for at least a few minutes. Most of the time I would set a time to call them, but when that time came around I would forget, and it would be too late to call them when I remembered.
With recent development, I found out two days ago, that my grandmother, who is my dad's step-mother, went to the doctors the other day because she had jaundice, and this pain in her abdomen . . .
Come to find out, she has a mass between her liver and pancreas. She went to Huntsman's today for an appointment to see how big the mass was, what it contained, and how big the area it was that it is in. I don't really remember all of the details of what is going on, but my grandfather (my dad's dad, has diabetes and on set Alzheimer's) can't be left alone for this reason, so my dad's little sister has been taking care of them. My aunt's husband's mother, the one that is taking care of my grandpa, is a nurse and was telling my aunt that cancer of the pancreas is a very serious thing and surgery. My grandma will have to go through chemotherapy after her surgery....
So my mother and I were just talking today about how my Grandpa is taking this. He seems to be doing so well with everything that is going on, that it almost seems weird. For having his first wife die of breast cancer, and now his second having Pancreatic cancer you think that he would be doing worse, I know I wouldn't be handling this situation as well as he is right now. But, I guess you can say that he is a lot stronger than I am, considering he has lived almost 85 years, and I only 20; he definitely has some experience with life on me.
But you know, Right now I don't really want to think of the possibilities of the things that might happen. I have not been to see my grandparents for almost a year and a half now, and. . . it saddens me that I have not had the opportunity to do so, especially now considering the situation.
If you are reading this, I know that my family will be praying and fasting for the Lord's will to be done, could you also keep my family in your prayers.... It would be much appreciated...
Loves.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
October 29. Closure is such a beautyful thing!
So yesterday I finally told myself that I needed to get some closure on a few things from this summer....and it wasn't an easy task on my part. It definitely took me a few months to muster up the courage to get this to happen.
I have had an issue with my failing self confidence lately, well okay pretty much for a very long time, and I was getting to the point to where I could do things with confidence this summer until my story happened this summer. Ever since then I have been so hard on myself, and I keep letting myself believe that I wasn't worth what others kept insisting. I had this mind set that the reason why I couldn't get asked out on dates was that I was just not as worth it as the other girls I knew that were the ones being asked out. And just a recent time when I was with one of my friends from the beginning of college life, she said something to me, and I guess that is was what set me off on this course of action. She told me that if I keep forgetting that I am worth it, I am going to drive her to go crazy, because I AM fun, I AM smart, I AM cool, and Beautiful. All I lack is confidence, and it is easy to come by. I think that this is what set me off yesterday. I realized that I was holding too much on to what really wasn't anything in the past, so that I couldn't go on and believe that I could have an amazing and HAPPY future. I had been dwelling too much in the past, and I wanted out so bad.
So, I sought out my closure.
I was down at Jamba getting me a White Gummy smoothie, when I got it. I don't know how to describe it; it's like some switch was flipped down in the depths of my brain and everything just made sense, I felt so much......more happy. I guess it is what you can call a slim part of true happiness. I don't know what came over me. The last thing he said to me was: "Good. Go be happy." Ya that is really not that special of something to say, but the thing is, that's what I am really looking for; and I did just that. While I was walking the 6 or so blocks home, with a detour to the Post office, I felt so much more; I was so light. I usually never say hello to people as I am walking anywhere, and yesterday, I did just that; I said "Hi" or "Hello" to EVERYONE I walked past. I don't really know what it was that had/has overcome me, but I just feel like I can conquer the world now. I think that I have found my once lost confidence again.
I also noticed a change in the way I walk, I keep my head and eyes up as I am walking to class. I look people in the eye and say hello to them as we cross paths. I believe in myself, and that good things can and will happen to me.
I just had to open my eyes and see that there is something out here for me; there is somewhere for my feet to lead me to, and there is someone out there for me.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
October 23. Failing dreams
- The best we can be is really who we are.
- It is usually through another person our needs are met.
Now is the time to prepare to be worthy and be ready to bless someones life, to be their angel.
So it sure has been quite some time. I feel bad that I haven't written in a long time. I really have been in need of writing my thoughts down. I have just been so lost in the things of school and other peoples lives that I forgot about my own needs. I forgot that it is needed of me to write my thoughts down, or it all builds, and builds and builds up until that climatic moment when everything comes out at once....causing an avalanche of feelings and emotions to come out of the back of my mind like a tsunami to the front; bringing back painful, yet pleasing memories to me.
Playing on the back drop of my mind.
This cataclysmic tsunami occured just this last week. With my not paying attention to the voice in my head that told me to write down what I had been feeling and doing, my sisters problems in her family with her husband, her husbands family and her husbands work, I was more focusing in on that instead of what was at hand. I let myself get carried away thinking about and trying to solve others problems, I forget about my own. I guess in some minute way, that may be good, but it wasn't. I cried. I couldn't help the waterfall of unwanted tears that came rushing down my face. Though after the tsunami wave of emotion left, and with it the tears subsiding, I felt much better; knowing that I had relieved some of the enormous pressure that had been building up. And it also helped that one of my friends was around to help coach me through what I was feeling.
You know, I recently had some feelings come back to me that I thought were gone and never to return. I thought I was over him, but come to find out from recent knowledge, I keep comparing him to other guys that I could like, and do, but they don't match up to him. GAHHH why does this all have to be so complicated and involved. i dont like it.
So, I found out just this week from my mom talkin to the foot and ankle doctor back home in NV, who checked out my ankle from previous injuries, she was telling him that my ankle swells occasionaly after playing soccer, and from other activities...low and behold that is not good news at all. So when I go home for Thanksgiving I have to go to the doctor to get an MRI, to see if there is a hole in the ligament or what, and thus see if I will need to have surgery. But from recent activity and pain in my ankle these past couple weeks, I am pretty sure that the surgery is going to be a MOST LIKELY. And the only time it could happen would be over the three week Christmas break.... not fun at all. I will be on crutches. WOnderful. I guess you get to take the good with the bad....gag.
Who is the angel in my life? Who is supposed to help me through my hard times, and trials? Will I ever know what would have happend if something had gone on with it???
Sleep. My dreams are calling to me....I don't want to wake from them in the morning. I just want to stay asleep forever...
Friday, September 19, 2008
September 19. Sulking
Friday night,
THE night looked forward to all week,
kicks me in the pants.
It sucks worse than any day of the past week.
Who in their right mind wants to stay IN their Effin appartment
ON THE one night looked forward to in the week?
LOSer!
I was out.
I went walking around a park for an hour and a half.
Now the person i was with wanted to go home to bed....at 10.
GAAHHHH what is up with that?!
I don't want to go home!
I DIDNT want to but guess where I ended up?
HOME ALLL ALONE.
Honestly Im sick of girls. I need some testosterone around me.
I cant handle the girl thing anymore..
Thing is, all the guys I would want to hang out with, are all at this lame faced
party. Or are cool and actually go on dates.
Which I am not apart of...
But its cool.
I dont mind not dating. I like being single. I just want to be in my comfort zone again.
I feel so comfortable around most guys...it's so much better than being around girls most of the time.
girls just have so much drama.
Which I am not a big fan of. I despise it.
wow enough of my sulking. I am going
THE night looked forward to all week,
kicks me in the pants.
It sucks worse than any day of the past week.
Who in their right mind wants to stay IN their Effin appartment
ON THE one night looked forward to in the week?
LOSer!
I was out.
I went walking around a park for an hour and a half.
Now the person i was with wanted to go home to bed....at 10.
GAAHHHH what is up with that?!
I don't want to go home!
I DIDNT want to but guess where I ended up?
HOME ALLL ALONE.
Honestly Im sick of girls. I need some testosterone around me.
I cant handle the girl thing anymore..
Thing is, all the guys I would want to hang out with, are all at this lame faced
party. Or are cool and actually go on dates.
Which I am not apart of...
But its cool.
I dont mind not dating. I like being single. I just want to be in my comfort zone again.
I feel so comfortable around most guys...it's so much better than being around girls most of the time.
girls just have so much drama.
Which I am not a big fan of. I despise it.
wow enough of my sulking. I am going
September 19. Exhilaration
So School is going most wonderfully as it could ever.
I have the usual homework load, which is completely fine with me, except a bit of it is minuscule.
I absolutely love both my Physical Geology and my Astronomy classes. I have learned so much in them already. I LOVE IT!!! It feels so good to be back in the learning mode. I sure have missed all of this. Being on campus, in a place that is so cute and quaint, being in classes that start with prayers EVERY beginning of a class. This is all so amazing! I feel so blessed to be one of the ones to come here and earn my education.
So my dance class, which is just a social dance class, we have learned quite a few moves for the Fox Trot, and some single time swing moves. It is so much fun! We have to switch partners after practicing our moves for a few minutes, then we move on continually to dance with different people. I have found a few guys that I dance well with, where we both compliment each other.
OH but yesterday towards the end of my class, I was dancing with this guy that was just about a foot taller than me, and we were trying to figure out the new swing move that our teacher showed us, and he didn't get his hands in the right position, so when I came over to face him after a belly roll, his left arm came down and he elbowed me in the upper lip. Sad.
I could feel it swelling right soon after he did it. 8( I tried my best to not make a big deal about it so he wouldn't feel worse than he already did. But thankfully it happened with only 8 minutes of class left. Fortunately it was my last class...So I came home and put ice on it right away.
By the time I went down the street half a block to Stetson Carroll's house to make dinner for our dinner group, it had gone down a little. But by the end of our dinner group, it was pretty much gone. I was so happy!
Then last night for my astronomy class we have 5 projects that he wants for us to do, and two of mine require using the telescope on top of the Romney Building, where our class is held. I've never actually looked through a telescope that big!!! It was so.....so....Profound! It was so exhilarating! Ah man, It was like seeing for the first time! and it was, I have never really gotten to look at Jupiter that close to see its moons, I have only seen pictures. THIS was forever a MILLION times better than a photograph...It is so amazing! I want a telescope. I will have one when I am able to afford a good one. I love this class. I am soooooooo SOOOO glad that I got a chance to take this class.
But now I am off to go and attend to those things that need attending to. Such as homework, tests, and socializing....all that jazz. PEACE!
I have the usual homework load, which is completely fine with me, except a bit of it is minuscule.
I absolutely love both my Physical Geology and my Astronomy classes. I have learned so much in them already. I LOVE IT!!! It feels so good to be back in the learning mode. I sure have missed all of this. Being on campus, in a place that is so cute and quaint, being in classes that start with prayers EVERY beginning of a class. This is all so amazing! I feel so blessed to be one of the ones to come here and earn my education.
So my dance class, which is just a social dance class, we have learned quite a few moves for the Fox Trot, and some single time swing moves. It is so much fun! We have to switch partners after practicing our moves for a few minutes, then we move on continually to dance with different people. I have found a few guys that I dance well with, where we both compliment each other.
OH but yesterday towards the end of my class, I was dancing with this guy that was just about a foot taller than me, and we were trying to figure out the new swing move that our teacher showed us, and he didn't get his hands in the right position, so when I came over to face him after a belly roll, his left arm came down and he elbowed me in the upper lip. Sad.
I could feel it swelling right soon after he did it. 8( I tried my best to not make a big deal about it so he wouldn't feel worse than he already did. But thankfully it happened with only 8 minutes of class left. Fortunately it was my last class...So I came home and put ice on it right away.
By the time I went down the street half a block to Stetson Carroll's house to make dinner for our dinner group, it had gone down a little. But by the end of our dinner group, it was pretty much gone. I was so happy!
Then last night for my astronomy class we have 5 projects that he wants for us to do, and two of mine require using the telescope on top of the Romney Building, where our class is held. I've never actually looked through a telescope that big!!! It was so.....so....Profound! It was so exhilarating! Ah man, It was like seeing for the first time! and it was, I have never really gotten to look at Jupiter that close to see its moons, I have only seen pictures. THIS was forever a MILLION times better than a photograph...It is so amazing! I want a telescope. I will have one when I am able to afford a good one. I love this class. I am soooooooo SOOOO glad that I got a chance to take this class.
But now I am off to go and attend to those things that need attending to. Such as homework, tests, and socializing....all that jazz. PEACE!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
September 5. Our Nation. (old poem...)
A nation at war.
Volunteering;
going into the unknown.
Fighting for something,
Protection? Life?
Maybe Freedom?
From what? for what?
A once carefully planned government,
Presently hanging by a thread.
Freedom.
What should we really be fighting?
For the lives of those dear to us,
or the ever changing government?
Slowly, taking away or altering the
Constitution for their benefit
taking away our rights.
Who should you be more worried about?
Those who want to destory us as people?
Or the Government who seeks to control everything,
whether in our nation, or others?
So what should we really be fighting for?
We should seek to correct damages done to our Nation and Government
before, seeing to the needs of other nations.
Volunteering;
going into the unknown.
Fighting for something,
Protection? Life?
Maybe Freedom?
From what? for what?
A once carefully planned government,
Presently hanging by a thread.
Freedom.
What should we really be fighting?
For the lives of those dear to us,
or the ever changing government?
Slowly, taking away or altering the
Constitution for their benefit
taking away our rights.
Who should you be more worried about?
Those who want to destory us as people?
Or the Government who seeks to control everything,
whether in our nation, or others?
So what should we really be fighting for?
We should seek to correct damages done to our Nation and Government
before, seeing to the needs of other nations.
September 5. Letting you in
thoughts of you are brought back to my concious thinking, by the smallest things
like sometthing you once said, said by someone else, which triggers the converstations we had when you said these words.
memories... carried from one to the next. . . playing on the screen in my mind. . . the first time I saw you and the last.
I can't put into words all the things going through my mind. . . wants. . .wishes. . . fears. happiness. . .questions about you, your feelings; unable to word them to ask. . . questions float away never returning.
Does he really like me as much as he says he does? This is one thing I am afraid of; what might happen if I let someone in and gain my heart. I don't know what to do...If I do let someone in what will happen?
like sometthing you once said, said by someone else, which triggers the converstations we had when you said these words.
memories... carried from one to the next. . . playing on the screen in my mind. . . the first time I saw you and the last.
I can't put into words all the things going through my mind. . . wants. . .wishes. . . fears. happiness. . .questions about you, your feelings; unable to word them to ask. . . questions float away never returning.
Does he really like me as much as he says he does? This is one thing I am afraid of; what might happen if I let someone in and gain my heart. I don't know what to do...If I do let someone in what will happen?
Sunshine.
An old poem that I found lying around.
"The Sunrise"
Colors depicted into her mind,
The Sun rising, shinning from behind
The sight flooding into her memory,
Knowing how perfect it is going to be.
The Capturing sight, remembering it for later,
this sight so vivid, sh can see it on blank paper.
She goes to work creating what was seen,
her strokes are so pure and pristine.
From her memory, the beauty begins to form
into what she had seen on that great morn.
Knowing that it will soon be complete
to finish this, will become a great feat.
Her once stored memory, done for all to see,
has been bought, taken away for a great fee.
She'll always be remembered for that great sight,
of the sun's rays and colors shining so bright.
"The Sunrise"
Colors depicted into her mind,
The Sun rising, shinning from behind
The sight flooding into her memory,
Knowing how perfect it is going to be.
The Capturing sight, remembering it for later,
this sight so vivid, sh can see it on blank paper.
She goes to work creating what was seen,
her strokes are so pure and pristine.
From her memory, the beauty begins to form
into what she had seen on that great morn.
Knowing that it will soon be complete
to finish this, will become a great feat.
Her once stored memory, done for all to see,
has been bought, taken away for a great fee.
She'll always be remembered for that great sight,
of the sun's rays and colors shining so bright.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
September 2. Keep On.
Here is yet another song that has helped me get through hard times....
Becky Maag is so amazing! I love you Beckers!
"Keep treading that hill till you're done.
I said keep on, keep on treading that hill till you're done.
when it feels like you're the only one that remains treading up that hill while everybody complains just keep on, keep on treading on.
keep holding up that head till you're done.
I said keep on, keep on holding up that head till you're done.
When those piercing words try to to shoot you down and you're feeling like a lead-infested goose on the ground, just keep on, keep on, holding on. you might say, Why should I make life harder on me?
or How is this gonna even profit me? But just keep on, keep on then you'll see.
Keep holding strong till you're done. When it feels like you're carrying too heavy a load and every body's left for you to do it alone just keep on, keep on holding strong. you might say, Why should I make life harder on me? or, How is this gonna even profit me?
But just keep on, keep on then you'll see.
Keep singing this song till you're done. I said keep on, keep on singing this song till you're done.
WHen the voice of the adversary's calling your name turn the other way don't you play that game.
I said keep on keep on singing on. Oh I said keep on, keep on singing on."
Becky Maag is so amazing! I love you Beckers!
"Keep treading that hill till you're done.
I said keep on, keep on treading that hill till you're done.
when it feels like you're the only one that remains treading up that hill while everybody complains just keep on, keep on treading on.
keep holding up that head till you're done.
I said keep on, keep on holding up that head till you're done.
When those piercing words try to to shoot you down and you're feeling like a lead-infested goose on the ground, just keep on, keep on, holding on. you might say, Why should I make life harder on me?
or How is this gonna even profit me? But just keep on, keep on then you'll see.
Keep holding strong till you're done. When it feels like you're carrying too heavy a load and every body's left for you to do it alone just keep on, keep on holding strong. you might say, Why should I make life harder on me? or, How is this gonna even profit me?
But just keep on, keep on then you'll see.
Keep singing this song till you're done. I said keep on, keep on singing this song till you're done.
WHen the voice of the adversary's calling your name turn the other way don't you play that game.
I said keep on keep on singing on. Oh I said keep on, keep on singing on."
September 2. Arms To Find.
Becky Maag has it so right.... I miss my married, mother of a child, friendsey-friend.
This song has so much meaning for me, and I am sure for her, but
it has hit me in so many ways unexplainable.....
"Its a long trip to the back of your mind and you won't give in.
but the air's so thick with all of your fears I can breathe you in.
You hid all your thoughts in a cardboard box but it broke when the time came in.
Now they're sprawled on the sand and now I understand why you held it in.
Please find your way to these arms that are open to comfort you.
I've stitched up your wings the best way that I know so that you may fly.
And if the thread doesn't hold don't you worry at all, you've got arms to find.
The scars on your heart are reopened with memories of pain you've felt, but the advocate dear is ever so near; you've got arms to find.
please find your way to these arms that are open to comfort you.
Oh, please recall the time when joy filled your eyes.
Oh please renew that time and let it fill your life.
And if it never did then let it do so now.
And if you're struggling you've got arms to help you out today.
Please find your ways to these arms that are open to comfort you.
This song has so much meaning for me, and I am sure for her, but
it has hit me in so many ways unexplainable.....
"Its a long trip to the back of your mind and you won't give in.
but the air's so thick with all of your fears I can breathe you in.
You hid all your thoughts in a cardboard box but it broke when the time came in.
Now they're sprawled on the sand and now I understand why you held it in.
Please find your way to these arms that are open to comfort you.
I've stitched up your wings the best way that I know so that you may fly.
And if the thread doesn't hold don't you worry at all, you've got arms to find.
The scars on your heart are reopened with memories of pain you've felt, but the advocate dear is ever so near; you've got arms to find.
please find your way to these arms that are open to comfort you.
Oh, please recall the time when joy filled your eyes.
Oh please renew that time and let it fill your life.
And if it never did then let it do so now.
And if you're struggling you've got arms to help you out today.
Please find your ways to these arms that are open to comfort you.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
August 30. Crash And Burn
OUch!
Well today I finally got my last dirt bike ride in before I went up to school.
What a day and ride.
First, my Dad and I went to my Uncle's house to help him stain his deck, then we took him with us to go riding out in the boonies behind the hospital.
Man if there ever was a term for being dusted out worse than fog, that sure was what we had going. Most of the trails were horribly dusty, and rocky in some places.
Hahaha I haven't been riding for at least 3 months, and I wasn't used to this area very much.
SOOOOooooo I just got what I deserved I guess. I ended up on my LEFT side every freakin time I biffed it. I pretty much lost count at 8 times down. More than half, were when I was going down a hill. I almost rolled feet over head down this one where I really scratched up my arm. 8)
My father kept getting at me because I wasn't utilizing my clutch as much I should have.
WHat do you expect when he and my uncle took me on some really hard stuff? Ya i did finally learn and got a bit more comfortable, into my groove by the end.
I just had a few confidence issues on some hills UP and DOWN.
Man. We went through some pretty narly tree trails, and on this one time when we were coming back we had to make our own trails. I ended up going through a few trees I THOUGHT my dad went through, but he didn't; so this is where the tree attacked my arm and shoulder and helmet.
Pertty cool scratches. HA.
And a few bruises on my legs... I am glad that I didn't die though. I came close to it going up a few rocky steep, rutted hills...I thought I was going to die.
I'm still here. SOre, alive, and bruised.
Yet to live another day.
Well today I finally got my last dirt bike ride in before I went up to school.
What a day and ride.
First, my Dad and I went to my Uncle's house to help him stain his deck, then we took him with us to go riding out in the boonies behind the hospital.
Man if there ever was a term for being dusted out worse than fog, that sure was what we had going. Most of the trails were horribly dusty, and rocky in some places.
Hahaha I haven't been riding for at least 3 months, and I wasn't used to this area very much.
SOOOOooooo I just got what I deserved I guess. I ended up on my LEFT side every freakin time I biffed it. I pretty much lost count at 8 times down. More than half, were when I was going down a hill. I almost rolled feet over head down this one where I really scratched up my arm. 8)
My father kept getting at me because I wasn't utilizing my clutch as much I should have.
WHat do you expect when he and my uncle took me on some really hard stuff? Ya i did finally learn and got a bit more comfortable, into my groove by the end.
I just had a few confidence issues on some hills UP and DOWN.
Man. We went through some pretty narly tree trails, and on this one time when we were coming back we had to make our own trails. I ended up going through a few trees I THOUGHT my dad went through, but he didn't; so this is where the tree attacked my arm and shoulder and helmet.
Pertty cool scratches. HA.
And a few bruises on my legs... I am glad that I didn't die though. I came close to it going up a few rocky steep, rutted hills...I thought I was going to die.
I'm still here. SOre, alive, and bruised.
Yet to live another day.
Friday, August 29, 2008
August 29. Finally giving it up
A final development of a long past feeling has finally come to breach my minds vault.
It is finally going to take place, I don't care how much anyone is against it.
It is what I feel needs to happen right now.
It needs to be given up for me to remain sane.
I am sure if anyone is reading this you are very clueless at to what I am getting at....you ready.?
I am swearing off anything that deals with guys, other than friendships.
I am taking the words: dating, relationships, marriage, and quite frankly, "falling in love" out of my vocabulary until like 3 years or so from now.
Life I think can be more pleasant for me.
I know that something will happen to where I will wonder why, but you know what?
It's not worth being hurt over and over and OVER again, with the same outcome.
I've faced it.
I have come to terms with what my future may not hold.
WIth this realization, I have felt peace.
Please try to otherwise convince me, go ahead.
It will be like trying to get a tow rope through the eye of a needle.
Inconceivable.
I am not going to break down and give into conformity.
I will think about changing my views, when I feel it is time to.
So long broken heart; so long jerks who all want to say things and not mean them or do what they say they will do, goodbye wanting to want happiness with someone.
Hello to living a happier life, without worry, confusion, and on to a happy single life.
you may be thinking, otherwise.
thanks for your time i so convieniantly wasted.
8) have a nice day!
It is finally going to take place, I don't care how much anyone is against it.
It is what I feel needs to happen right now.
It needs to be given up for me to remain sane.
I am sure if anyone is reading this you are very clueless at to what I am getting at....you ready.?
I am swearing off anything that deals with guys, other than friendships.
I am taking the words: dating, relationships, marriage, and quite frankly, "falling in love" out of my vocabulary until like 3 years or so from now.
Life I think can be more pleasant for me.
I know that something will happen to where I will wonder why, but you know what?
It's not worth being hurt over and over and OVER again, with the same outcome.
I've faced it.
I have come to terms with what my future may not hold.
WIth this realization, I have felt peace.
Please try to otherwise convince me, go ahead.
It will be like trying to get a tow rope through the eye of a needle.
Inconceivable.
I am not going to break down and give into conformity.
I will think about changing my views, when I feel it is time to.
So long broken heart; so long jerks who all want to say things and not mean them or do what they say they will do, goodbye wanting to want happiness with someone.
Hello to living a happier life, without worry, confusion, and on to a happy single life.
you may be thinking, otherwise.
thanks for your time i so convieniantly wasted.
8) have a nice day!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
AUGUST 28. Lived Learned loved lost
You know it seems to be relentless.
The fact that I haven't ever been asked on a date
(one I classify as the three P's : paired off, paid for, planned.)
Let alone been on one.
WHen the many flocks of people have found this out,
They can't help but make a huge thing out of it.
Okay I can see where they are coming from, but
I have gotten past the fact I don't get asked out on any dates.
I like being single, don't get me wrong, but it would be nice to have something more so.
to have someone there who really cares about you and what happens to you,
genuinely; not just because.
I have been on a few 'dates' if you want to call them that.
Group dates, where I have had some part in paying either half, or more than half of the cost.
What is it with guys and them not asking me on dates?
I feel I have the right to ask this....What is their problem?
The case been so far as that a few of my guy 'friends', after finding out I haven't been on a date
have told me that they would take me on one....yet they never seem to be able to follow through with it. Why is that? WHy can't they promise something and follow through with it?
Is it TOO much to ask?
I keep wondering and coming to the conclusion that it is something wrong with me. BUt a wise friend of mine told me that it is only right a very small part of the time. The other part is when It is some other factor, or someone elses problem. And she even went on to say that she hopes Heavenly Father has something big in store for me since I haven't had the little experiences.
I would want to have those small ones, dates, to progress a bit and then be able to know what I want to look for and have in my life.
Gah
Why so complicated?
LIVE. LEARN. LOVE.
The fact that I haven't ever been asked on a date
(one I classify as the three P's : paired off, paid for, planned.)
Let alone been on one.
WHen the many flocks of people have found this out,
They can't help but make a huge thing out of it.
Okay I can see where they are coming from, but
I have gotten past the fact I don't get asked out on any dates.
I like being single, don't get me wrong, but it would be nice to have something more so.
to have someone there who really cares about you and what happens to you,
genuinely; not just because.
I have been on a few 'dates' if you want to call them that.
Group dates, where I have had some part in paying either half, or more than half of the cost.
What is it with guys and them not asking me on dates?
I feel I have the right to ask this....What is their problem?
The case been so far as that a few of my guy 'friends', after finding out I haven't been on a date
have told me that they would take me on one....yet they never seem to be able to follow through with it. Why is that? WHy can't they promise something and follow through with it?
Is it TOO much to ask?
I keep wondering and coming to the conclusion that it is something wrong with me. BUt a wise friend of mine told me that it is only right a very small part of the time. The other part is when It is some other factor, or someone elses problem. And she even went on to say that she hopes Heavenly Father has something big in store for me since I haven't had the little experiences.
I would want to have those small ones, dates, to progress a bit and then be able to know what I want to look for and have in my life.
Gah
Why so complicated?
LIVE. LEARN. LOVE.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Aug. 26. Contemplating at work
In it all today,
these last few weeks I have had lots of time to think to myself
about endless things.
One thing that came to me today,
stuck with me all day,
and wouldn't leave me alone
sometimes you don't realize what you had or could have been,
until you don't have it anymore.
these last few weeks I have had lots of time to think to myself
about endless things.
One thing that came to me today,
stuck with me all day,
and wouldn't leave me alone
sometimes you don't realize what you had or could have been,
until you don't have it anymore.
August 26. Anxiously Awaiting
So
School is fast approaching.
For some their time has already come to leave.
I am already missing them.
What to do these last 11 days without those here to be with.
I am counting down the days, hours, and minutes until my time comes.
I can't wait to be up in Rexburg to see all of my friends I haven't seen in such a long time,
others only 4-5 months, but still a long time
I am still working.
I will be working until the day before I leave this place.
September 6 is the day I leave.
Happy hour.
I can't wait to get up there and get settled down.
RExBURG
Here I come!
School is fast approaching.
For some their time has already come to leave.
I am already missing them.
What to do these last 11 days without those here to be with.
I am counting down the days, hours, and minutes until my time comes.
I can't wait to be up in Rexburg to see all of my friends I haven't seen in such a long time,
others only 4-5 months, but still a long time
I am still working.
I will be working until the day before I leave this place.
September 6 is the day I leave.
Happy hour.
I can't wait to get up there and get settled down.
RExBURG
Here I come!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
August 21. The battle for my heart
this circle is fiction.
yes, it stands with the greatest fear, that somehow communicating will end us all.
and as we hollow the purpose
it would seem life is simply about just moving on
instead of learning to love.
i've been thinking about just giving you right up
and forgetting your name
but you know there's more to this than that.
i swore i would never love,
not before white dresses and better luck
but here we are
my heart is wrung from you.
and as we center the focus we can see
your life is simply about
just getting over me and on with you
i know that this will all work out
but somehow your fear leaves you in doubt.
this is the place where all your past wont let you go.
your best friends believe me and that's alright
but i never loved them so how do i convince myself
you are worth letting go?
over the years i loved them but they never loved back;
and here we are
in this moment
and then she says that.
can you even hear the words my heart is telling you tonight?
why must the coldness in your heart speak through your eyes?
Joy in tomorrow.
The battle.
Yet another perfect description of my life as it is right now.
yes, it stands with the greatest fear, that somehow communicating will end us all.
and as we hollow the purpose
it would seem life is simply about just moving on
instead of learning to love.
i've been thinking about just giving you right up
and forgetting your name
but you know there's more to this than that.
i swore i would never love,
not before white dresses and better luck
but here we are
my heart is wrung from you.
and as we center the focus we can see
your life is simply about
just getting over me and on with you
i know that this will all work out
but somehow your fear leaves you in doubt.
this is the place where all your past wont let you go.
your best friends believe me and that's alright
but i never loved them so how do i convince myself
you are worth letting go?
over the years i loved them but they never loved back;
and here we are
in this moment
and then she says that.
can you even hear the words my heart is telling you tonight?
why must the coldness in your heart speak through your eyes?
Joy in tomorrow.
The battle.
Yet another perfect description of my life as it is right now.
August 21. The sum of all my fears.
today i just don't know.
I guess that's the hardest part of letting go.
my fear is chasing me down empty halls.
i have no clue of what to think or feel at all.
i know time will let us go so i need you
more than you'll ever know.
i waited two days and my body couldn't wait anymore.
then i saw you and i knew i knew for sure
because seeing you was the best part of today.
i just want to hold you.
i want to give it all away.
i know time will let us go so i need you baby,
more than you'll ever know.
i wrote letters in hopes that you could see my heart.
i'm sorry for letting my hands precede your part.
i'm exactly where i hate it.
i am the sum of all my years;
but i'm learning,
i'm learning to FEAR.
to fear the stars and the ONE who made them
that's where all learning begins,
when you realize love can only come through
Him.
-Joy In Tomorrow: The heart
This sums up everything I feel right now.
I love this song.
so simple, yet so deep.
I guess that's the hardest part of letting go.
my fear is chasing me down empty halls.
i have no clue of what to think or feel at all.
i know time will let us go so i need you
more than you'll ever know.
i waited two days and my body couldn't wait anymore.
then i saw you and i knew i knew for sure
because seeing you was the best part of today.
i just want to hold you.
i want to give it all away.
i know time will let us go so i need you baby,
more than you'll ever know.
i wrote letters in hopes that you could see my heart.
i'm sorry for letting my hands precede your part.
i'm exactly where i hate it.
i am the sum of all my years;
but i'm learning,
i'm learning to FEAR.
to fear the stars and the ONE who made them
that's where all learning begins,
when you realize love can only come through
Him.
-Joy In Tomorrow: The heart
This sums up everything I feel right now.
I love this song.
so simple, yet so deep.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
August 19. Ceaseless cares.
Lost in thought with a world that ceases to spin,
Endless attacks of negativity assaulting the hippocampus
Forcing her minds' movie to reel back and forth through time,
as the world and endless planets revolve around their gravitational pull.
What is this unseen force that causes her mind, body, soul, and life to
gravitate around?
What is the driving force behind it all?
and what keeps it going??
When the attacks of negativity cease their attempt to bore abyssal holes into
her mind, it is replaced by the welcoming optimism;
showering her planet with unfathomable beauty.
the meteor showers at dusk, memories that almost stop time,
slowing it down enough to capture her
and give her something to forever cherish in the Eternities to come.
Lost in the gift of ceaseless beauty of her mind.
August 19. Which fork in the road?
Seeing the light so clearly,
reassuring the thoughts and feelings previously felt.
But an obstruction to her sight seems to come at times when things start to become discouraging.
A stumbling block seems to ALWAYS pop out
like daisies in the first of spring;
Always catching or attempting to catch her unawares.
Confusion emanates from things she tries to do or thinks about doing.
But the light seems to come back intermittently;
going away as well, the same it came.
Is she right in thinking what she thinks is right?
or should she be thinking or feeling something different than she does?
Should she continue going with what could happen, or just for what's there today?
Confusion; the Unknown; all things become hazy.
This must be brought on through He, who can NOT have the same joy she feels.
Is this all a ploy to have her second guess herself when she knows it's right?
What path does she take now?
Sunday, August 17, 2008
August 17. Memories
Making Believe,
Pictures Flooding Into
My Mind
Captivated
Sitting Motionless
Mezmorized By Pictures;
Lost In The Past
August 17. Opptimistic
Am I forgetting others and focusing on my needs only? I may sometimes but honestly I feel I care more for others than I do about myself sometimes. Okay, most of the time I forget to take care of my needs. I get so wrapped up in wanting to help and FIX others problems, to be in some form of control! MY mind gets so lost in trying to figure out how to help others I forget that I have my own I need to attend to as well. I think, and am pretty sure, that this is my my sharing of my problems has become so difficult for me and end up bottling it all up; hoping that if no one would notice, I would forget about them myself and somehow magically they would go away. But what is left unsaid, or unwritten, festers and continues to build until I Break Down. This happened more than a few times at school this last semester and I realized that I DO have people I can talk to. That was when I started seeking to not let the storm become uncontrollable. I am getting better. I have finally found a balance.
ANYWHO
I feel like I am one of those people
God has molded in His hands
to be His instrument
and do His work.
I have met sooooo many people
and have either only known them for
a few seconds,
minutes,
months,
etc.
and have no clue why I met them.
I know though, that there was a purpose and is a purpose to EVERYTHING in this life.
I have the gift of unconditional love.
ANYWHO
I feel like I am one of those people
God has molded in His hands
to be His instrument
and do His work.
I have met sooooo many people
and have either only known them for
a few seconds,
minutes,
months,
etc.
and have no clue why I met them.
I know though, that there was a purpose and is a purpose to EVERYTHING in this life.
I have the gift of unconditional love.
I think that this is why I have met and helped so many people for a season,
because my God, my Savior, had a reason for it.
Looking back through my short 20 years of life,
I can see all the lives I've touched and have been touching.
I can see it now.
I was ALWAYS told I had this special spirit and light about me,
that my testimony is soooo strong.
I have finally see what they see in ME!
I am becoming who I am and was foreordained to become;
With bumps and bruises along the road.
I am making it,
And I am seeking,
reaching out to those who I see need my love and help.
I have seen this love, work, and help with a friend of mine.
He was such a good kid, still was through high school,
he just made some choices he shouldn't have,
but I kept after him;
Letting him know that I loved him as a friend and heavenly brother,
and cared about him.
I didn't want to lose him.
And with all that persistence and maybe from others as well,
he is now going on a mission!
You have no IDEA how happy and proud of him that made me.
I was so full of JOY!
I think that that was how Heavenly Father feels when we,
His children, take a step closer to Him.
I can feel it, through His love.
It's all around us.
EVERYTHING in existence and around us
was given to us because He loves us so much.
We will be forever in and Eternally in Debt to Him,
For all that He's done, does, and will do.
Seek to always be the slow one who hangs behind to
Encourage
Carry
Love
Listen
and Uplift
Those who cannot on their own.
Do as Christ would do.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Uncanny abilities
So I had a most amazing conversation this last night.
Oddly it was in the Smith's grocery parking lot.
I was asked about some of the things I left out of my writing ,
I guess that I just wasn't really ready for him to hear or read what I had
written about him and a few other things.
Though here are a few things that I now remember that I wanted to bring up:
Though thinking about it, this is where the comparison comes in with sand.
I just wish I could tell him all this WHILE I am with him.
He just has this uncanny ability of making me nervous, full of fluttering butterflies, and I lose all that was on my mind, because it would then be filled with things of him, or nothing there at all, with this overwhelming feeling of comfort and .....peace.
He makes me feel so much more different than some others that I have been around.
I don't know what it is, but I like it, I love the way I feel when I am with or around him.
I can feel my light shine brighter when he is near.
I just need to have faith that what ever the Lord has in store for me, will happen, be fine, and all will work out for the best in the end.
I am starting to see the bigger pickature......
Oddly it was in the Smith's grocery parking lot.
I was asked about some of the things I left out of my writing ,
I guess that I just wasn't really ready for him to hear or read what I had
written about him and a few other things.
Though here are a few things that I now remember that I wanted to bring up:
That what I wrote about, my self-esteem, losing things, time, and eyes, these are all tied together, and are actually all about him. I am afraid of telling him some things about myself because I don't know what his reaction will be.
I have had some good things in life and then have seen them go away after I found them.
I am just afraid of losing this good thing that I have right now.
This is one thing that I brought up to him in a way, that "I want to just go to sleep and never wake up from the dream I wish I was living." the one where all that I had in that dreams was good and I never lost it; it grew, I helped it grow continually into something more than I thought was conceivable.
I was thinking about this all last night before I went to bed and dreamed on it as well; I came to the conclusion that when I do realize that I may have something going for me with someone or even a chance, I hold on, I hold on tightly. Because I don't want to lose what I have.Though thinking about it, this is where the comparison comes in with sand.
When you hold on to sand in your hand too tight, trying keep it from slipping away,
it does just that,
slips through your fingers unwantingly.
And there is nothing that you can do about it either.
All you can do is watch it slip out of your fingers.
I guess that I just need to start loosening my grip on the sand, and what I have; maybe it will stay longer with me. Maybe, just maybe it will continue to flourish and become the something that I have longed for all these years, and turn into the thing that I have searched for and have been told that could happen.I just wish I could tell him all this WHILE I am with him.
He just has this uncanny ability of making me nervous, full of fluttering butterflies, and I lose all that was on my mind, because it would then be filled with things of him, or nothing there at all, with this overwhelming feeling of comfort and .....peace.
He makes me feel so much more different than some others that I have been around.
I don't know what it is, but I like it, I love the way I feel when I am with or around him.
I can feel my light shine brighter when he is near.
I just need to have faith that what ever the Lord has in store for me, will happen, be fine, and all will work out for the best in the end.
I am starting to see the bigger pickature......
A Bit about me...
Level 1
( ) Smoked A Cigarette
( ) Smoked A Cigar
( ) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
( ) Smoked shisha
SO FAR: 0
Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love
( ) Been Dumped
() Shoplifted
( ) Been Fired
(x) Been In A Fist Fight
SO FAR: 2
Level 4
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person ---not like WAY older 3-4 yrs
(x) Skipped School- oh man, high school sucked, and I still do it sometimes
( ) Slept With A Co-worker
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die
SO FAR: 5
Level 5
(x) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain-No but I want to someday. Galicia!
(x) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking
SO FAR: 7
Level 6
(x) Eaten Sushi
() Been Snowboarding
(x) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook
(x) Been in a Mosh Pit
SO FAR: 10
Level 7
( ) Been In An Abusive Relationship
(x) Taken Pain Killers - man, Knee surgerys are wonderful
(x) Love/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel -Who doesn't?
SO FAR: 14
Level 8
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone mudding -- ON four-wheeler and Dirt bike yes....
(x) Played Dress Up
SO FAR: 19
Level 9
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
( ) Gone Sledging -- what the crap is sledging??
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game -ehehehe fun stuff
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School -- i fell asleep all the time in high school and a few of my classes now..psha.
SO FAR: 23
Level 10
(x) Watched The Sun Set
(x) Felt An Earthquake
(x) Killed A Snake
SO FAR: 26
Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
() Been Robbed / Vandalized --
() Been cheated on --
(x) Been Misunderstood
SO FAR: 28
Level 12
(x) Won A Contest - poetry contest
() Been Suspended From School --
() Had Detention
(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident -- Not a very bad one though, MANY dirt bike wrecks...hehehe they are fun...
SO FAR: 30
Level 13
(x ) Had / Have Braces
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night-- all last semester...many a time
(x) Danced in the moonlight -- with some roomies, and out at the sand dunes with my younger cousins...we are weird...
SO FAR: 33
Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look --okay who hasn't at least once?
(x) Witnessed A Crime
( ) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned Your Heart
( x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes-- if you know me, you know this well...
SO FAR: 37
Level 15
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud -- It feels goooood! I love mud!
(x) Been Lost -- quite a few times...
(x) Swam In The Ocean -- yeah, and the water was cold!
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying --
SO FAR: 41
Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep-- wont go there...
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
(x) Recently Coloured With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers -- who doesn't? if you don't then you are not real....
(x) Sang Karaoke --
( x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins-- hahah track meets.....pft
SO FAR: 46
Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't -- gaaahhh...yes
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls -- haha yeah,
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose --
() Kissed In The Rain -- nope, but I most deffinately want to
SO FAR: 49
Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles - still love to, so relaxing
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere --mmmm fires.....
SO FAR: 53
Level 19
( ) Crashed A Party
( ) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey
SO FAR: 55
Level 20
( x) Worn Pearls-- tried them on for like a min
() Jumped Off A Bridge --so want to, I almost did, thanks REECE
(x) Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina" -- hahahaha. don't ask
( ) Swam With Dolphins..
SO FAR: 57
Level 22
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cube -- stupid ice cubes
( ) Kissed A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes -- Yup! Guy shirst and shoes are amazing!
(x) Sat On A Roof Top -- Yes'sa. I love it!
SO FAR: 60
Level 23
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs --
( x) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel-- boooyaa! Adrenaline rush..and I am a junkie for that...
( ) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(x) Recently stayed Up for a while talking to someone you care about
SO FAR: 63
Level 24
(x) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree --
(x) Had/Been In A Tree House
(x) Been scared to Watch Scary Films Alone
SO FAR: 67
Level 25
(x) Believed In Ghosts
( ) Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
() Gone Streaking
( x) Visited Jail-- field trip, not been in. I dont know if that was the meaning but I just made it the meaning...hehehe
SO FAR: 69
Level 26
(x) Played Chicken
(x) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on -- stupid little kiddie pools...
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger- weird
() Broken A Bone --
(x) Been Easily Amused -- uh- huh
SO FAR: 73
Level 27
(x) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later - Deep sea fishin, and all fishin...
( ) Made A Porn Video/got asked to make one -- *pukes* are you kidding? what the???
(x) Caught A Butterfly -- yes, moths were fun too, and then tearing their wings off....sad but true I was and am still a bully
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried-- Pamela...wow yes
( x) Cried So Hard You Laughed--- Last semester...WOW
SO FAR: 77
Level 28
(x) Mooned/Flashed Someone -- my sisters....hehehe
(x) Had Someone Moon/Flash You - Oh man. gross!
(x) Cheated On A Test -- yes...I know...
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name --yes, and sometimes it's on purpose....
( ) French Braided Someones Hair
() Gone Skinny Dipping
( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House
(x) Tried to hurt yourself
SO FAR: 82
Level 29
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster-- um who hasn't?? Adrenaline rush!!
() Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
(x) Had A Cavity
() Black-Mailed Someone--
( ) Been Black Mailed
SO FAR: 84
Level 31
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs -- oh my gosh! all last semester my 7:45am class...it was horrible, just about every day I had that class it sucked!
( ) Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone-- many times....my roomie made me mad, and just for the heck of it on the shoulder...
(x) Licked Someone-- yup...little kids' faces, my sisters hand...i am weird..
SO FAR : 88
Level 32
( ) Been shot at/or at gunpoint
( ) Had sex in the rain ??? mmm no.
( x) Flattened someones tires-- hehe Bike tires...my little sister...hahahahaha
(x) Rode your car/truck until the gas light came on-
(x) Got five dollars or less worth of gas-- I am poor...what can I say?
TOTAL: 91
( ) Smoked A Cigarette
( ) Smoked A Cigar
( ) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
( ) Smoked shisha
SO FAR: 0
Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love
( ) Been Dumped
() Shoplifted
( ) Been Fired
(x) Been In A Fist Fight
SO FAR: 2
Level 4
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person ---not like WAY older 3-4 yrs
(x) Skipped School- oh man, high school sucked, and I still do it sometimes
( ) Slept With A Co-worker
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die
SO FAR: 5
Level 5
(x) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain-No but I want to someday. Galicia!
(x) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking
SO FAR: 7
Level 6
(x) Eaten Sushi
() Been Snowboarding
(x) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook
(x) Been in a Mosh Pit
SO FAR: 10
Level 7
( ) Been In An Abusive Relationship
(x) Taken Pain Killers - man, Knee surgerys are wonderful
(x) Love/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel -Who doesn't?
SO FAR: 14
Level 8
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone mudding -- ON four-wheeler and Dirt bike yes....
(x) Played Dress Up
SO FAR: 19
Level 9
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
( ) Gone Sledging -- what the crap is sledging??
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game -ehehehe fun stuff
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School -- i fell asleep all the time in high school and a few of my classes now..psha.
SO FAR: 23
Level 10
(x) Watched The Sun Set
(x) Felt An Earthquake
(x) Killed A Snake
SO FAR: 26
Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
() Been Robbed / Vandalized --
() Been cheated on --
(x) Been Misunderstood
SO FAR: 28
Level 12
(x) Won A Contest - poetry contest
() Been Suspended From School --
() Had Detention
(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident -- Not a very bad one though, MANY dirt bike wrecks...hehehe they are fun...
SO FAR: 30
Level 13
(x ) Had / Have Braces
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night-- all last semester...many a time
(x) Danced in the moonlight -- with some roomies, and out at the sand dunes with my younger cousins...we are weird...
SO FAR: 33
Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look --okay who hasn't at least once?
(x) Witnessed A Crime
( ) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned Your Heart
( x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes-- if you know me, you know this well...
SO FAR: 37
Level 15
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud -- It feels goooood! I love mud!
(x) Been Lost -- quite a few times...
(x) Swam In The Ocean -- yeah, and the water was cold!
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying --
SO FAR: 41
Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep-- wont go there...
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
(x) Recently Coloured With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers -- who doesn't? if you don't then you are not real....
(x) Sang Karaoke --
( x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins-- hahah track meets.....pft
SO FAR: 46
Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't -- gaaahhh...yes
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls -- haha yeah,
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose --
() Kissed In The Rain -- nope, but I most deffinately want to
SO FAR: 49
Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles - still love to, so relaxing
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere --mmmm fires.....
SO FAR: 53
Level 19
( ) Crashed A Party
( ) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey
SO FAR: 55
Level 20
( x) Worn Pearls-- tried them on for like a min
() Jumped Off A Bridge --so want to, I almost did, thanks REECE
(x) Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina" -- hahahaha. don't ask
( ) Swam With Dolphins..
SO FAR: 57
Level 22
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cube -- stupid ice cubes
( ) Kissed A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes -- Yup! Guy shirst and shoes are amazing!
(x) Sat On A Roof Top -- Yes'sa. I love it!
SO FAR: 60
Level 23
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs --
( x) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel-- boooyaa! Adrenaline rush..and I am a junkie for that...
( ) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(x) Recently stayed Up for a while talking to someone you care about
SO FAR: 63
Level 24
(x) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree --
(x) Had/Been In A Tree House
(x) Been scared to Watch Scary Films Alone
SO FAR: 67
Level 25
(x) Believed In Ghosts
( ) Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
() Gone Streaking
( x) Visited Jail-- field trip, not been in. I dont know if that was the meaning but I just made it the meaning...hehehe
SO FAR: 69
Level 26
(x) Played Chicken
(x) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on -- stupid little kiddie pools...
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger- weird
() Broken A Bone --
(x) Been Easily Amused -- uh- huh
SO FAR: 73
Level 27
(x) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later - Deep sea fishin, and all fishin...
( ) Made A Porn Video/got asked to make one -- *pukes* are you kidding? what the???
(x) Caught A Butterfly -- yes, moths were fun too, and then tearing their wings off....sad but true I was and am still a bully
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried-- Pamela...wow yes
( x) Cried So Hard You Laughed--- Last semester...WOW
SO FAR: 77
Level 28
(x) Mooned/Flashed Someone -- my sisters....hehehe
(x) Had Someone Moon/Flash You - Oh man. gross!
(x) Cheated On A Test -- yes...I know...
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name --yes, and sometimes it's on purpose....
( ) French Braided Someones Hair
() Gone Skinny Dipping
( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House
(x) Tried to hurt yourself
SO FAR: 82
Level 29
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster-- um who hasn't?? Adrenaline rush!!
() Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
(x) Had A Cavity
() Black-Mailed Someone--
( ) Been Black Mailed
SO FAR: 84
Level 31
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs -- oh my gosh! all last semester my 7:45am class...it was horrible, just about every day I had that class it sucked!
( ) Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone-- many times....my roomie made me mad, and just for the heck of it on the shoulder...
(x) Licked Someone-- yup...little kids' faces, my sisters hand...i am weird..
SO FAR : 88
Level 32
( ) Been shot at/or at gunpoint
( ) Had sex in the rain ??? mmm no.
( x) Flattened someones tires-- hehe Bike tires...my little sister...hahahahaha
(x) Rode your car/truck until the gas light came on-
(x) Got five dollars or less worth of gas-- I am poor...what can I say?
TOTAL: 91
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Ice Cream Flavors
My uncle was telling me the other day,
that finding someone to date or marry is like finding your favorite or the best Ice cream flavor.
When you find the one that you like and know is the best kind,
You don't really have to try looking for another flavor. You know that the kind you have is the best and you don't have to try another to see if it is. You can but, it is unnecessary.
You can keep the flavor you have and make it through life just as well as if you tried a few different ones, and stuck with the one that was the best.
Its conceivable that I have found my flavor of ice cream.
Only time will tell.
that finding someone to date or marry is like finding your favorite or the best Ice cream flavor.
When you find the one that you like and know is the best kind,
You don't really have to try looking for another flavor. You know that the kind you have is the best and you don't have to try another to see if it is. You can but, it is unnecessary.
You can keep the flavor you have and make it through life just as well as if you tried a few different ones, and stuck with the one that was the best.
Its conceivable that I have found my flavor of ice cream.
Only time will tell.
Time
Time .
What if time were to slow down? What would happen?
WOuld we stop moving completely, if it was to be stopped, or if slowed down would we move just as slow?
We all are running on a biological clock. Which time controls...But do they all run close to the same pace?
How are we all interconnected? IF so, is this how we find the ones we are to love and know for our lives, whether they be friends or more than friends?
Why does it always seem that everything I want or wish to happen happens at other times than I would like?
Father time,
oh how I wish you would slow your hands to make these moments last.
Just the thought of this actually being possible
brings me great comfort.
I just need to trust God.
Trust myself, and have faith as well.
I know that THIS will work out.
I need to gain a little more confidence in myself and know that I am capable of being.
That I need to have a little more patience in myself and let things grow.
It is not like it is just going to be there over night or in a few hours.
SO let it grow, Help it grow. Keep doing what is right and You will know what to do when the time comes.
I know, I will know.
What if time were to slow down? What would happen?
WOuld we stop moving completely, if it was to be stopped, or if slowed down would we move just as slow?
We all are running on a biological clock. Which time controls...But do they all run close to the same pace?
How are we all interconnected? IF so, is this how we find the ones we are to love and know for our lives, whether they be friends or more than friends?
Why does it always seem that everything I want or wish to happen happens at other times than I would like?
Father time,
oh how I wish you would slow your hands to make these moments last.
Just the thought of this actually being possible
brings me great comfort.
I just need to trust God.
Trust myself, and have faith as well.
I know that THIS will work out.
I need to gain a little more confidence in myself and know that I am capable of being.
That I need to have a little more patience in myself and let things grow.
It is not like it is just going to be there over night or in a few hours.
SO let it grow, Help it grow. Keep doing what is right and You will know what to do when the time comes.
I know, I will know.
Monday, July 21, 2008
A light
"Father time please get arthritis.
Slow your hands
they move to fast
I want to make this moment last..."
Slow your hands
they move to fast
I want to make this moment last..."
I have have been given a light.
One that I have never before set my eyes upon.
I hope that only good may come of this,
Only time will tell.
We will see as to what will come of this.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Rafting-ness
So I just got back from a three day trip to Riggins, ID for our churches Young Single Adult activity. It was one of the most amazing, radtastical, trips I have been on!!!!
Just going with a bunch of people your age and having that much fun on the river and rafting. The BeST
I was with the "late group". We left around 7:45 Nevada time with 18 people to two vehicles, and we were on our way to the Place of amazingness. The trip that was supposed to only take about 6-7 hours, took us almost 12. We arrived at the place we were supposed to be at about 5: freakin 30 in the morning. We had to get up around 7. So we had about a 2 hour nap if that, on tarps laid out on the grass....wow. But it was pretty cool to sleep under what was left of the stars, the sun was coming up as we were lying out on the grass. SO... we started out playing lots of frisbee waitin for another group that was coming with us that wasn't from Nevada. We got into our boats and started down the river.
I had so much fun. The first 11ish miles were filled with very much water fighting. IT was stupendous.
I was sad to leave this morning. It was an extreemely beautyful place...I missed how slow the day went by on Friday. It was most intriguing.
I had the best day ever!!
The ride home was even better. Lots of exciting things happened as well...
For another day.
Peace.
Just going with a bunch of people your age and having that much fun on the river and rafting. The BeST
I was with the "late group". We left around 7:45 Nevada time with 18 people to two vehicles, and we were on our way to the Place of amazingness. The trip that was supposed to only take about 6-7 hours, took us almost 12. We arrived at the place we were supposed to be at about 5: freakin 30 in the morning. We had to get up around 7. So we had about a 2 hour nap if that, on tarps laid out on the grass....wow. But it was pretty cool to sleep under what was left of the stars, the sun was coming up as we were lying out on the grass. SO... we started out playing lots of frisbee waitin for another group that was coming with us that wasn't from Nevada. We got into our boats and started down the river.
I had so much fun. The first 11ish miles were filled with very much water fighting. IT was stupendous.
I was sad to leave this morning. It was an extreemely beautyful place...I missed how slow the day went by on Friday. It was most intriguing.
I had the best day ever!!
The ride home was even better. Lots of exciting things happened as well...
For another day.
Peace.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Control
So I got this phone call the other night from someone that has been ignoring me for the past two and a half months after I had one of our friends told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore. Then he called last night wanting to talk to me and tell me why he pushed me away and never talked to me. Though since I was working 12 hours today and had to get up at 4am when he called at 11 was not so fun. He left me a few messages...which were all broken up and didn't really make sense.
I am so ... lost. I realized today as I sat pulling weed after weed for 4 hours, that I really liked him when we were actually talking and speaking to each other. Since he has been ostracising me, there were more that a few times when I really needed someone to talk to; he was the one that I was able to talk to without hesitation, and feel comfortable with it, and he would completely understand and help me through it. And now I don't have anyone, well I do, but still....I miss what we used to have, just our friendship. Why? Where did all that go in such a short time?
I wish I could make it all better.
Though I don't have control over it.
I am so ... lost. I realized today as I sat pulling weed after weed for 4 hours, that I really liked him when we were actually talking and speaking to each other. Since he has been ostracising me, there were more that a few times when I really needed someone to talk to; he was the one that I was able to talk to without hesitation, and feel comfortable with it, and he would completely understand and help me through it. And now I don't have anyone, well I do, but still....I miss what we used to have, just our friendship. Why? Where did all that go in such a short time?
I wish I could make it all better.
Though I don't have control over it.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Painting
These last few days I have been painting away to all my littler hearts content.
Besides the magnificent color of safety yellow, slathering all the paint we can all over barricades, poles and hand rails, I had the most wonderful privilege of painting fire hydrant red. This color is one of the most vibrant red I have ever painted.
Though the thought has occured to me, even though I love to paint, painting the same colors reptitiously and having to be out in the heat of the day, with no shade except quite a bit away from where we are painting...I have found I am starting to not really like to paint.
I don't want this to happen because I love painting and want to keep up my artisic-nesss.
Work is daunting. I don't like going to work at that nasty smelly mill. 8) I don't know how my father has done it for these past many years. Everytime I walk up the stairs in to where the ball mills are the smell still almost knocks me off my feet. People keep telling me that you will get used to it...I don't think I ever will. Especially going near the float where they separate the gold from the other things that are in the process, that place has one horrific smell of its own. I can't seem to remove the smell of the mill from me and my hair. It is going to take some time before school to get it off me. I am throwing away the clothes or bagging them up to use next year.
I am never wearing them unless I am working at the mine again.
We are starting a new schedule at work, and I am really not looking forward to getting up earlier than I usually do, but if it means making money and getting another day off with the same hours, I guess I can suck it up and handle it.
Besides the magnificent color of safety yellow, slathering all the paint we can all over barricades, poles and hand rails, I had the most wonderful privilege of painting fire hydrant red. This color is one of the most vibrant red I have ever painted.
Though the thought has occured to me, even though I love to paint, painting the same colors reptitiously and having to be out in the heat of the day, with no shade except quite a bit away from where we are painting...I have found I am starting to not really like to paint.
I don't want this to happen because I love painting and want to keep up my artisic-nesss.
Work is daunting. I don't like going to work at that nasty smelly mill. 8) I don't know how my father has done it for these past many years. Everytime I walk up the stairs in to where the ball mills are the smell still almost knocks me off my feet. People keep telling me that you will get used to it...I don't think I ever will. Especially going near the float where they separate the gold from the other things that are in the process, that place has one horrific smell of its own. I can't seem to remove the smell of the mill from me and my hair. It is going to take some time before school to get it off me. I am throwing away the clothes or bagging them up to use next year.
I am never wearing them unless I am working at the mine again.
We are starting a new schedule at work, and I am really not looking forward to getting up earlier than I usually do, but if it means making money and getting another day off with the same hours, I guess I can suck it up and handle it.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Poems
Snow
It’s never going to stop
from coming down hard at you
watching it plummet to the earth beneath us
soundlessly, covering the ground with a cold wet blanket
Standing in huddles, hands and faces frozen
it comes down harder, with a force to knock you off your feet
Falling faster, like its never going to end
being encircled with a cold embrace
coming upon you like predator on prey
trying to capture you in its cold hard grip
falling endlessly, never coming to an end...
I’m sitting here, wondering where I need to go next.
Coming upon fork after fork in the road, taking them by intuition.
Not knowing where they are going to take me.
Hoping I am making the right choices to lead me to my most final destination.
Always having a prayer in my heart,
so I can know I am doing the right, asking for reassurance,
And I continue to go on my Journey through life, making choices
The clouds flowing, going on into the eternities;
like the ocean, never ending.
Sitting, watching the clouds roll into different
shapes, making new blobs of fluff.
Creating new emotions.
It’s dark outside, bringing tears to my eyes
making me feel sad, for a moment
then able to realize how beautiful the land is after it rains.
Sitting alone, enjoying the scenery,
wanting to never return to the fast life
I was once apart of.
Running through life
Going down
memory lane;
(meeting acquaintances, reminiscing)
Stopping
Going again
Not noticing the details
(escaping into your imagination)
Beauty blazing in the sky
radiant colors spill forth into my eyes
painting many colors
calmness flows from head to toe
radiance slowly weakens by the seconds
enticing the onlooker to hold their gaze.
Never looking away;
the colors engraved into their memory
Beauty fades into darkness.
As if time stops for those few moments
gazing into the night turning sky.
The beauty disappears behind the horizon.
Left in dark and cold...
Pictures from past memories
hidden the minds eye;
Blocked to never remember painful times
Are played as a slide show
moving from one to the next, ever so fast
Never more than a few glimpses
Bringing the emotions back with them
as a tornado, stirs up dust
Forcing a wave of emotion through the body
unwanting, unseen
driving the seeing to become agitated to no end
unable to stop these pictures from displaying their image.
Seeking to find a happy image.
The once, raging sea is now calm. Producing new found memories
with emotions of that of elation,
joy, even fondness.
It’s never going to stop
from coming down hard at you
watching it plummet to the earth beneath us
soundlessly, covering the ground with a cold wet blanket
Standing in huddles, hands and faces frozen
it comes down harder, with a force to knock you off your feet
Falling faster, like its never going to end
being encircled with a cold embrace
coming upon you like predator on prey
trying to capture you in its cold hard grip
falling endlessly, never coming to an end...
I’m sitting here, wondering where I need to go next.
Coming upon fork after fork in the road, taking them by intuition.
Not knowing where they are going to take me.
Hoping I am making the right choices to lead me to my most final destination.
Always having a prayer in my heart,
so I can know I am doing the right, asking for reassurance,
And I continue to go on my Journey through life, making choices
The clouds flowing, going on into the eternities;
like the ocean, never ending.
Sitting, watching the clouds roll into different
shapes, making new blobs of fluff.
Creating new emotions.
It’s dark outside, bringing tears to my eyes
making me feel sad, for a moment
then able to realize how beautiful the land is after it rains.
Sitting alone, enjoying the scenery,
wanting to never return to the fast life
I was once apart of.
Running through life
Going down
memory lane;
(meeting acquaintances, reminiscing)
Stopping
Going again
Not noticing the details
(escaping into your imagination)
Beauty blazing in the sky
radiant colors spill forth into my eyes
painting many colors
calmness flows from head to toe
radiance slowly weakens by the seconds
enticing the onlooker to hold their gaze.
Never looking away;
the colors engraved into their memory
Beauty fades into darkness.
As if time stops for those few moments
gazing into the night turning sky.
The beauty disappears behind the horizon.
Left in dark and cold...
Pictures from past memories
hidden the minds eye;
Blocked to never remember painful times
Are played as a slide show
moving from one to the next, ever so fast
Never more than a few glimpses
Bringing the emotions back with them
as a tornado, stirs up dust
Forcing a wave of emotion through the body
unwanting, unseen
driving the seeing to become agitated to no end
unable to stop these pictures from displaying their image.
Seeking to find a happy image.
The once, raging sea is now calm. Producing new found memories
with emotions of that of elation,
joy, even fondness.
An instrument in His hands
I just want to be able to help everyone and love them, give them the love and comfort that they need. But when I sit back and look at this thought, I see that this isn’t my place to be doing that. I want to do what only Christ, our Savior can do. He is the one that has felt all that we have felt. He is the one that has suffered for our sins, pains, hurts, thoughts, feelings, anything that you have felt, or gone through that you feel no one has ever gone through and wouldn’t ever understand you....HE is the One and Only that has been where you have been. He knows how you feel and have felt. And he loves you so much more than you can fathom thinking. HE is the one that can give you comfort when you are needing it the most.
I can’t do this ALL. I can be a bit of a substitute.
Making myself think that I can be like Him and do as He can do. But really, I can.
I can be His instrument in His hands.
Doing the things that He wants and needs me to do for others in this life.
I am His Daughter.
I can do the things that He needs me to do and things that I want to do, as long as they are my righteous desires.
This is what HE needs us to be doing.
Acting as His helpers and reaching out to those that need Him, but through us, they can come to find Him and find comfort in His teaching and His Gospel.
Seek to do His will.
Give your will to God.
Love Him.
Love yourself.
LOVE Everyone; they too are sons and daughters of God.
They too have a special place in God’s eyes and heart. He loves us all equally, and wants the best for us.
What HE wants, if for us to return back to Him and live with Him for the rest of the eternities.
This is what I need to do.
I need to find Faith and Confidence in myself and my abilities to do things.
I know that if I set my mind to it, I will be able to do anything that I most desire to do.
With God, and Christ, anything can be made possible.
I can’t do this ALL. I can be a bit of a substitute.
Making myself think that I can be like Him and do as He can do. But really, I can.
I can be His instrument in His hands.
Doing the things that He wants and needs me to do for others in this life.
I am His Daughter.
I can do the things that He needs me to do and things that I want to do, as long as they are my righteous desires.
This is what HE needs us to be doing.
Acting as His helpers and reaching out to those that need Him, but through us, they can come to find Him and find comfort in His teaching and His Gospel.
Seek to do His will.
Give your will to God.
Love Him.
Love yourself.
LOVE Everyone; they too are sons and daughters of God.
They too have a special place in God’s eyes and heart. He loves us all equally, and wants the best for us.
What HE wants, if for us to return back to Him and live with Him for the rest of the eternities.
This is what I need to do.
I need to find Faith and Confidence in myself and my abilities to do things.
I know that if I set my mind to it, I will be able to do anything that I most desire to do.
With God, and Christ, anything can be made possible.
Realizing things
I want nothing more than to do the best that i can, to become the person that God knows that I can become.
gradually and ever so slightly I am realizing my potential that I have, and my worth as a daughter of God. I need to know this, to figure this out about myself. this is why i have been feeling the lost feelings that i have been feeling.
I have turned away from god, He hasn't turned away from me.....i know that this has been a test of my faith. faith in myself. in others. in God. I need to set my faith straight first before i try to set anything else straight first. I need to put God first in my life, and have everything else follow Him. if i do this everything will be so much easier and more beneficial to me.
i need to start doing the things that he has counseled us to do.
i need to have patience with myself, and God...
I am starting to see what i need to start doing to accomplish the things I am needed to accomplish during my time here on this earth.
i am starting to see my true potential.
even though it may not make complete sense right now, i have a better idea of what I am supposed to see.
God has let me see a bigger part of the puzzle.
i am not completely at bay and don’t not know things.
i know that if i put my trust in him, i will be directed and do the things that I need to be doing. Christ is my support system.
he is my comfort. my savior. my brother.
he suffered for all these inadequate feelings i have felt.
he has felt the pains; confusions, the love, and belonging.
he is the only one that knows me.
he knows my thoughts and feelings.
he knows my hearts most righteous desires.
he knows me by name.
I need to realize this more often and not take it for granted.
gradually and ever so slightly I am realizing my potential that I have, and my worth as a daughter of God. I need to know this, to figure this out about myself. this is why i have been feeling the lost feelings that i have been feeling.
I have turned away from god, He hasn't turned away from me.....i know that this has been a test of my faith. faith in myself. in others. in God. I need to set my faith straight first before i try to set anything else straight first. I need to put God first in my life, and have everything else follow Him. if i do this everything will be so much easier and more beneficial to me.
i need to start doing the things that he has counseled us to do.
i need to have patience with myself, and God...
I am starting to see what i need to start doing to accomplish the things I am needed to accomplish during my time here on this earth.
i am starting to see my true potential.
even though it may not make complete sense right now, i have a better idea of what I am supposed to see.
God has let me see a bigger part of the puzzle.
i am not completely at bay and don’t not know things.
i know that if i put my trust in him, i will be directed and do the things that I need to be doing. Christ is my support system.
he is my comfort. my savior. my brother.
he suffered for all these inadequate feelings i have felt.
he has felt the pains; confusions, the love, and belonging.
he is the only one that knows me.
he knows my thoughts and feelings.
he knows my hearts most righteous desires.
he knows me by name.
I need to realize this more often and not take it for granted.
Monday, July 7, 2008
vast encompassing
reading or hearing about someone who is lonely, depressed or lost in a world of darkness,
it breaks my heart to see, or hear it.
it makes me want to be able to reach out to them and tell them that it will be okay, that life is going to still keep going, the world is still rotating on it's axis...but then it hits me...Most of what these people are going through, I have never had the faintest idea of what they are or may be experiencing.
and then light was shed into my bleak perspective,
that there is someone who knows ALL about what you are going through.
Christ knows how it feels to be emotionally, physically, and mentally sick. He knows your aches and pains; your thoughts of emptiness, sorrow, He knows the ups, downs, and loops of your emotional roller coaster. HE experienced every single paper cut we have had, He has gone through and suffered for everything that we can ever imagine.
So, when you feel like there is no one to turn to, no place else left to go, turn to Christ. His arms are always open, waiting patiently to embrace all that are willing to submit and Come unto Him.
Christ will always be there when you need Him; it is never He who has left you, but YOU who has left His presence. YOU, are the one who has blocked Him out of your life. Come back into the light and feel His love for you, embrace your Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ. They are one in purpose....Come back and feel His love for you.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Life
No one wants to sit on the sidelines of life and watch someone else live the life that they want to live. Get up off the sideline and get in the game. Feel the sweat from a good game fall from your brow, fighting for what you want most from life, the joy of accomplishing something others thought was the impossible, and the ecstasy of helping others along the way to reach their goals, as well as reaching your own. Stop watching and wishing you could have that life, get out and live it, experience living for yourself.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Observation
While sitting anywhere, or walking down the street I find myself looking into the eyes of the passerby, looking into their soul and seeing how much in a world of hurt some are; others ecstasy, melancholy, and all emotion that you may think about. When I see this, I only wish that I could some how reach out to them and help them.
But I am faced with problems of my own and find that I can only do so much for them and for myself. Though I have something different that I CAN reach out to them with and help them; I am ME. Just by being myself and doing what I was taught to do, I can make a difference in someones life.
I was told so the other day at work.
One of the girls I work with has been having a few problems and I just tired to make her smile and let her know that I love her.
She responded with how much she loves me because I make her happy when she is not emotionally well.
I am glad that I have affected at least one person in my life.
But I am faced with problems of my own and find that I can only do so much for them and for myself. Though I have something different that I CAN reach out to them with and help them; I am ME. Just by being myself and doing what I was taught to do, I can make a difference in someones life.
I was told so the other day at work.
One of the girls I work with has been having a few problems and I just tired to make her smile and let her know that I love her.
She responded with how much she loves me because I make her happy when she is not emotionally well.
I am glad that I have affected at least one person in my life.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Wondering
Why is it called a suitcase, when you fill it with other things than suits?
If a cork was made to stop things, then why all the holes?
Will you take me out to lunch?
Why is the grass green?
What is a phobia for grass?
Why do we recycle?
What is 45928828937905797 squared?
Why do the stars twinkle?
Why does the moon come out sometimes in the day?
Why is water a mineral when it is a solid, but not when it is liquid?
Why does our hair not stop growing when we are dead?
Who invented the plunger?
What is the point of couches that aren't comfortable?
Why is is called a weinis?
Why are screws circular?
Why do they call it a Charlie-horse when the tendons in your body spaz out and cause much pain?
Why can't we time travel?
If we were to slow time down, would we be able to move?
Why are we not advanced in technology if we have the capabilities?
Vanilla bean, vanilla, or french vanilla ice cream?
Is the universe shrinking, our galaxy getting larger, or is the universe expanding?
What would happen if there were no jet streams?
If a cork was made to stop things, then why all the holes?
Will you take me out to lunch?
Why is the grass green?
What is a phobia for grass?
Why do we recycle?
What is 45928828937905797 squared?
Why do the stars twinkle?
Why does the moon come out sometimes in the day?
Why is water a mineral when it is a solid, but not when it is liquid?
Why does our hair not stop growing when we are dead?
Who invented the plunger?
What is the point of couches that aren't comfortable?
Why is is called a weinis?
Why are screws circular?
Why do they call it a Charlie-horse when the tendons in your body spaz out and cause much pain?
Why can't we time travel?
If we were to slow time down, would we be able to move?
Why are we not advanced in technology if we have the capabilities?
Vanilla bean, vanilla, or french vanilla ice cream?
Is the universe shrinking, our galaxy getting larger, or is the universe expanding?
What would happen if there were no jet streams?
Wanting
I have been found wanting.
Something that really perturbs me is when someone says that they will do something either for you or with you and then they never follow through. I know it is something small and miniscule and I shouldn't get all worked up about it, but I figure, if you tell someone you will do something, you follow through with it.
THIS is pretty much the story of my life.
I have been found wanting.
Wanting to have someone . . . someone to ask me on a date.
What is so wrong with asking a girl on a date?
Is it really that hard? or am I just that intimidating?
I know that it may be a bit scary asking someone out, or to dance, I have been on that side of everything my whole life. I have always been the one to ask.
Why is it this way?
I feel that I then have the right to not ask anymore and wait for someone to make the move.
If you are debating about whether or not that girl or guy you like likes you back, don't wait just get out there and let them know. Please. It will make someone's day.
maybe even mine.
Something that really perturbs me is when someone says that they will do something either for you or with you and then they never follow through. I know it is something small and miniscule and I shouldn't get all worked up about it, but I figure, if you tell someone you will do something, you follow through with it.
THIS is pretty much the story of my life.
I have been found wanting.
Wanting to have someone . . . someone to ask me on a date.
What is so wrong with asking a girl on a date?
Is it really that hard? or am I just that intimidating?
I know that it may be a bit scary asking someone out, or to dance, I have been on that side of everything my whole life. I have always been the one to ask.
Why is it this way?
I feel that I then have the right to not ask anymore and wait for someone to make the move.
If you are debating about whether or not that girl or guy you like likes you back, don't wait just get out there and let them know. Please. It will make someone's day.
maybe even mine.
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