October 23. Failing dreams

• The best we can be is really who we are.
• It is usually through another person our needs are met.

Always remember you never know who's angel you are supposed to be!
Now is the time to prepare to be worthy and be ready to bless someones life, to be their angel.

So it sure has been quite some time. I feel bad that I haven't written in a long time. I really have been in need of writing my thoughts down. I have just been so lost in the things of school and other peoples lives that I forgot about my own needs. I forgot that it is needed of me to write my thoughts down, or it all builds, and builds and builds up until that climatic moment when everything comes out at once....causing an avalanche of feelings and emotions to come out of the back of my mind like a tsunami to the front; bringing back painful, yet pleasing memories to me.
Playing on the back drop of my mind.

This cataclysmic tsunami occured just this last week. With my not paying attention to the voice in my head that told me to write down what I had been feeling and doing, my sisters problems in her family with her husband, her husbands family and her husbands work, I was more focusing in on that instead of what was at hand. I let myself get carried away thinking about and trying to solve others problems, I forget about my own. I guess in some minute way, that may be good, but it wasn't. I cried. I couldn't help the waterfall of unwanted tears that came rushing down my face. Though after the tsunami wave of emotion left, and with it the tears subsiding, I felt much better; knowing that I had relieved some of the enormous pressure that had been building up. And it also helped that one of my friends was around to help coach me through what I was feeling.
You know, I recently had some feelings come back to me that I thought were gone and never to return. I thought I was over him, but come to find out from recent knowledge, I keep comparing him to other guys that I could like, and do, but they don't match up to him. GAHHH why does this all have to be so complicated and involved. i dont like it.

So, I found out just this week from my mom talkin to the foot and ankle doctor back home in NV, who checked out my ankle from previous injuries, she was telling him that my ankle swells occasionaly after playing soccer, and from other activities...low and behold that is not good news at all. So when I go home for Thanksgiving I have to go to the doctor to get an MRI, to see if there is a hole in the ligament or what, and thus see if I will need to have surgery. But from recent activity and pain in my ankle these past couple weeks, I am pretty sure that the surgery is going to be a MOST LIKELY. And the only time it could happen would be over the three week Christmas break.... not fun at all. I will be on crutches. WOnderful. I guess you get to take the good with the bad....gag.

Who is the angel in my life? Who is supposed to help me through my hard times, and trials? Will I ever know what would have happend if something had gone on with it???

Sleep. My dreams are calling to me....I don't want to wake from them in the morning. I just want to stay asleep forever...