Uncanny abilities

So I had a most amazing conversation this last night.
Oddly it was in the Smith's grocery parking lot.
I was asked about some of the things I left out of my writing ,
I guess that I just wasn't really ready for him to hear or read what I had
written about him and a few other things.

Though here are a few things that I now remember that I wanted to bring up:

That what I wrote about, my self-esteem, losing things, time, and eyes, these are all tied together, and are actually all about him. I am afraid of telling him some things about myself because I don't know what his reaction will be.

I have had some good things in life and then have seen them go away after I found them.

I am just afraid of losing this good thing that I have right now.

This is one thing that I brought up to him in a way, that "I want to just go to sleep and never wake up from the dream I wish I was living." the one where all that I had in that dreams was good and I never lost it; it grew, I helped it grow continually into something more than I thought was conceivable.

I was thinking about this all last night before I went to bed and dreamed on it as well; I came to the conclusion that when I do realize that I may have something going for me with someone or even a chance, I hold on, I hold on tightly. Because I don't want to lose what I have.
Though thinking about it, this is where the comparison comes in with sand.

When you hold on to sand in your hand too tight, trying keep it from slipping away,

it does just that,

slips through your fingers unwantingly.

And there is nothing that you can do about it either.

All you can do is watch it slip out of your fingers.

I guess that I just need to start loosening my grip on the sand, and what I have; maybe it will stay longer with me. Maybe, just maybe it will continue to flourish and become the something that I have longed for all these years, and turn into the thing that I have searched for and have been told that could happen.

I just wish I could tell him all this WHILE I am with him.

He just has this uncanny ability of making me nervous, full of fluttering butterflies, and I lose all that was on my mind, because it would then be filled with things of him, or nothing there at all, with this overwhelming feeling of comfort and .....peace.
He makes me feel so much more different than some others that I have been around.
I don't know what it is, but I like it, I love the way I feel when I am with or around him.

I can feel my light shine brighter when he is near.

I just need to have faith that what ever the Lord has in store for me, will happen, be fine, and all will work out for the best in the end.

I am starting to see the bigger pickature......

A Bit about me...

Level 1
( ) Smoked A Cigarette
( ) Smoked A Cigar
( ) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
( ) Smoked shisha

SO FAR: 0
Level 2
(x) Are / Been In Love
( ) Been Dumped
() Shoplifted
( ) Been Fired
(x) Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 2
Level 4
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person ---not like WAY older 3-4 yrs
(x) Skipped School- oh man, high school sucked, and I still do it sometimes
( ) Slept With A Co-worker
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 5
Level 5
(x) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends
( ) Been To Paris
( ) Been To Spain-No but I want to someday. Galicia!
(x) Been On A Plane
( ) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 7
Level 6
(x) Eaten Sushi
() Been Snowboarding
(x) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook
(x) Been in a Mosh Pit

SO FAR: 10
Level 7
( ) Been In An Abusive Relationship
(x) Taken Pain Killers - man, Knee surgerys are wonderful
(x) Love/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel -Who doesn't?
SO FAR: 14

Level 8
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone mudding -- ON four-wheeler and Dirt bike yes....
(x) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 19
Level 9
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
( ) Gone Sledging -- what the crap is sledging??
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game -ehehehe fun stuff
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School -- i fell asleep all the time in high school and a few of my classes now..psha.

SO FAR: 23
Level 10
(x) Watched The Sun Set
(x) Felt An Earthquake
(x) Killed A Snake

SO FAR: 26
Level 11
(x) Been Tickled
() Been Robbed / Vandalized --
() Been cheated on --
(x) Been Misunderstood

SO FAR: 28
Level 12
(x) Won A Contest - poetry contest
() Been Suspended From School --
() Had Detention
(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident -- Not a very bad one though, MANY dirt bike wrecks...hehehe they are fun...

SO FAR: 30
Level 13
(x ) Had / Have Braces
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night-- all last semester...many a time
(x) Danced in the moonlight -- with some roomies, and out at the sand dunes with my younger cousins...we are weird...

SO FAR: 33
Level 14
(x) Hated The Way You Look --okay who hasn't at least once?
(x) Witnessed A Crime
( ) Pole Danced
(x) Questioned Your Heart
( x) Been obsessed with post-it-notes-- if you know me, you know this well...

SO FAR: 37
Level 15
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud -- It feels goooood! I love mud!
(x) Been Lost -- quite a few times...
(x) Swam In The Ocean -- yeah, and the water was cold!
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying --

SO FAR: 41
Level 16
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep-- wont go there...
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
(x) Recently Coloured With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers -- who doesn't? if you don't then you are not real....
(x) Sang Karaoke --
( x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins-- hahah track meets.....pft

SO FAR: 46
Level 17
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't -- gaaahhh...yes
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls -- haha yeah,
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose --
() Kissed In The Rain -- nope, but I most deffinately want to

SO FAR: 49
Level 18
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles - still love to, so relaxing
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere --mmmm fires.....

SO FAR: 53
Level 19
( ) Crashed A Party
( ) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey

SO FAR: 55
Level 20
( x) Worn Pearls-- tried them on for like a min
() Jumped Off A Bridge --so want to, I almost did, thanks REECE
(x) Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina" -- hahahaha. don't ask
( ) Swam With Dolphins..

SO FAR: 57
Level 22
(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cube -- stupid ice cubes
( ) Kissed A Fish
(x) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes -- Yup! Guy shirst and shoes are amazing!
(x) Sat On A Roof Top -- Yes'sa. I love it!

SO FAR: 60
Level 23
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs --
( x) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel-- boooyaa! Adrenaline rush..and I am a junkie for that...
( ) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(x) Recently stayed Up for a while talking to someone you care about

SO FAR: 63
Level 24
(x) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree --
(x) Had/Been In A Tree House
(x) Been scared to Watch Scary Films Alone

SO FAR: 67
Level 25
(x) Believed In Ghosts
( ) Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
() Gone Streaking
( x) Visited Jail-- field trip, not been in. I dont know if that was the meaning but I just made it the meaning...hehehe

SO FAR: 69
Level 26
(x) Played Chicken
(x) Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on -- stupid little kiddie pools...
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger- weird
() Broken A Bone --
(x) Been Easily Amused -- uh- huh

SO FAR: 73
Level 27
(x) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later - Deep sea fishin, and all fishin...
( ) Made A Porn Video/got asked to make one -- *pukes* are you kidding? what the???
(x) Caught A Butterfly -- yes, moths were fun too, and then tearing their wings off....sad but true I was and am still a bully
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried-- Pamela...wow yes
( x) Cried So Hard You Laughed--- Last semester...WOW

SO FAR: 77
Level 28
(x) Mooned/Flashed Someone -- my sisters....hehehe
(x) Had Someone Moon/Flash You - Oh man. gross!
(x) Cheated On A Test -- yes...I know...
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name --yes, and sometimes it's on purpose....
( ) French Braided Someones Hair
() Gone Skinny Dipping
( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House
(x) Tried to hurt yourself

SO FAR: 82
Level 29
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster-- um who hasn't?? Adrenaline rush!!
() Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
(x) Had A Cavity
() Black-Mailed Someone--
( ) Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 84
Level 31
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs -- oh my gosh! all last semester my 7:45am class...it was horrible, just about every day I had that class it sucked!
( ) Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone-- many times....my roomie made me mad, and just for the heck of it on the shoulder...
(x) Licked Someone-- yup...little kids' faces, my sisters hand...i am weird..

SO FAR : 88
Level 32
( ) Been shot at/or at gunpoint
( ) Had sex in the rain ??? mmm no.
( x) Flattened someones tires-- hehe Bike tires...my little sister...hahahahaha
(x) Rode your car/truck until the gas light came on-
(x) Got five dollars or less worth of gas-- I am poor...what can I say?

TOTAL: 91

Ice Cream Flavors

My uncle was telling me the other day,
that finding someone to date or marry is like finding your favorite or the best Ice cream flavor.
When you find the one that you like and know is the best kind,
You don't really have to try looking for another flavor. You know that the kind you have is the best and you don't have to try another to see if it is. You can but, it is unnecessary.
You can keep the flavor you have and make it through life just as well as if you tried a few different ones, and stuck with the one that was the best.
Its conceivable that I have found my flavor of ice cream.

Only time will tell.

Time

Time .
What if time were to slow down? What would happen?
WOuld we stop moving completely, if it was to be stopped, or if slowed down would we move just as slow?

We all are running on a biological clock. Which time controls...But do they all run close to the same pace?
How are we all interconnected? IF so, is this how we find the ones we are to love and know for our lives, whether they be friends or more than friends?


Why does it always seem that everything I want or wish to happen happens at other times than I would like?
Father time,
oh how I wish you would slow your hands to make these moments last.
Just the thought of this actually being possible
brings me great comfort.
I just need to trust God.
Trust myself, and have faith as well.
I know that THIS will work out.
I need to gain a little more confidence in myself and know that I am capable of being.
That I need to have a little more patience in myself and let things grow.
It is not like it is just going to be there over night or in a few hours.
SO let it grow, Help it grow. Keep doing what is right and You will know what to do when the time comes.

I know, I will know.

A light

"Father time please get arthritis.
Slow your hands
they move to fast
I want to make this moment last..."

So I think I may have found one with whom I may converse and confide in...
I have have been given a light.
One that I have never before set my eyes upon.
I hope that only good may come of this,
Only time will tell.

We will see as to what will come of this.

Rafting-ness

So I just got back from a three day trip to Riggins, ID for our churches Young Single Adult activity. It was one of the most amazing, radtastical, trips I have been on!!!!
Just going with a bunch of people your age and having that much fun on the river and rafting. The BeST
I was with the "late group". We left around 7:45 Nevada time with 18 people to two vehicles, and we were on our way to the Place of amazingness. The trip that was supposed to only take about 6-7 hours, took us almost 12. We arrived at the place we were supposed to be at about 5: freakin 30 in the morning. We had to get up around 7. So we had about a 2 hour nap if that, on tarps laid out on the grass....wow. But it was pretty cool to sleep under what was left of the stars, the sun was coming up as we were lying out on the grass. SO... we started out playing lots of frisbee waitin for another group that was coming with us that wasn't from Nevada. We got into our boats and started down the river.
I had so much fun. The first 11ish miles were filled with very much water fighting. IT was stupendous.

I was sad to leave this morning. It was an extreemely beautyful place...I missed how slow the day went by on Friday. It was most intriguing.
I had the best day ever!!
The ride home was even better. Lots of exciting things happened as well...

For another day.
Peace.

Control

So I got this phone call the other night from someone that has been ignoring me for the past two and a half months after I had one of our friends told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore. Then he called last night wanting to talk to me and tell me why he pushed me away and never talked to me. Though since I was working 12 hours today and had to get up at 4am when he called at 11 was not so fun. He left me a few messages...which were all broken up and didn't really make sense.

I am so ... lost. I realized today as I sat pulling weed after weed for 4 hours, that I really liked him when we were actually talking and speaking to each other. Since he has been ostracising me, there were more that a few times when I really needed someone to talk to; he was the one that I was able to talk to without hesitation, and feel comfortable with it, and he would completely understand and help me through it. And now I don't have anyone, well I do, but still....I miss what we used to have, just our friendship. Why? Where did all that go in such a short time?

I wish I could make it all better.
Though I don't have control over it.

Painting

These last few days I have been painting away to all my littler hearts content.
Besides the magnificent color of safety yellow, slathering all the paint we can all over barricades, poles and hand rails, I had the most wonderful privilege of painting fire hydrant red. This color is one of the most vibrant red I have ever painted.
Though the thought has occured to me, even though I love to paint, painting the same colors reptitiously and having to be out in the heat of the day, with no shade except quite a bit away from where we are painting...I have found I am starting to not really like to paint.
I don't want this to happen because I love painting and want to keep up my artisic-nesss.

Work is daunting. I don't like going to work at that nasty smelly mill. 8) I don't know how my father has done it for these past many years. Everytime I walk up the stairs in to where the ball mills are the smell still almost knocks me off my feet. People keep telling me that you will get used to it...I don't think I ever will. Especially going near the float where they separate the gold from the other things that are in the process, that place has one horrific smell of its own. I can't seem to remove the smell of the mill from me and my hair. It is going to take some time before school to get it off me. I am throwing away the clothes or bagging them up to use next year.
I am never wearing them unless I am working at the mine again.
We are starting a new schedule at work, and I am really not looking forward to getting up earlier than I usually do, but if it means making money and getting another day off with the same hours, I guess I can suck it up and handle it.

Poems

Snow
It’s never going to stop
from coming down hard at you
watching it plummet to the earth beneath us
soundlessly, covering the ground with a cold wet blanket
Standing in huddles, hands and faces frozen
it comes down harder, with a force to knock you off your feet
Falling faster, like its never going to end
being encircled with a cold embrace
coming upon you like predator on prey
trying to capture you in its cold hard grip
falling endlessly, never coming to an end...


I’m sitting here, wondering where I need to go next.
Coming upon fork after fork in the road, taking them by intuition.
Not knowing where they are going to take me.
Hoping I am making the right choices to lead me to my most final destination.
Always having a prayer in my heart,
so I can know I am doing the right, asking for reassurance,
And I continue to go on my Journey through life, making choices

The clouds flowing, going on into the eternities;
like the ocean, never ending.
Sitting, watching the clouds roll into different
shapes, making new blobs of fluff.
Creating new emotions.
It’s dark outside, bringing tears to my eyes
making me feel sad, for a moment
then able to realize how beautiful the land is after it rains.
Sitting alone, enjoying the scenery,
wanting to never return to the fast life
I was once apart of.

Running through life
Going down
memory lane;
(meeting acquaintances, reminiscing)
Stopping
Going again
Not noticing the details
(escaping into your imagination)

Beauty blazing in the sky
radiant colors spill forth into my eyes
painting many colors
calmness flows from head to toe
radiance slowly weakens by the seconds
enticing the onlooker to hold their gaze.
Never looking away;
the colors engraved into their memory
Beauty fades into darkness.
As if time stops for those few moments
gazing into the night turning sky.
The beauty disappears behind the horizon.
Left in dark and cold...

Pictures from past memories
hidden the minds eye;
Blocked to never remember painful times
Are played as a slide show
moving from one to the next, ever so fast
Never more than a few glimpses
Bringing the emotions back with them
as a tornado, stirs up dust
Forcing a wave of emotion through the body
unwanting, unseen
driving the seeing to become agitated to no end
unable to stop these pictures from displaying their image.
Seeking to find a happy image.
The once, raging sea is now calm. Producing new found memories
with emotions of that of elation,
joy, even fondness.

An instrument in His hands

I just want to be able to help everyone and love them, give them the love and comfort that they need. But when I sit back and look at this thought, I see that this isn’t my place to be doing that. I want to do what only Christ, our Savior can do. He is the one that has felt all that we have felt. He is the one that has suffered for our sins, pains, hurts, thoughts, feelings, anything that you have felt, or gone through that you feel no one has ever gone through and wouldn’t ever understand you....HE is the One and Only that has been where you have been. He knows how you feel and have felt. And he loves you so much more than you can fathom thinking. HE is the one that can give you comfort when you are needing it the most.
I can’t do this ALL. I can be a bit of a substitute.
Making myself think that I can be like Him and do as He can do. But really, I can.
I can be His instrument in His hands.
Doing the things that He wants and needs me to do for others in this life.
I am His Daughter.
I can do the things that He needs me to do and things that I want to do, as long as they are my righteous desires.

This is what HE needs us to be doing.
Acting as His helpers and reaching out to those that need Him, but through us, they can come to find Him and find comfort in His teaching and His Gospel.

Seek to do His will.
Give your will to God.
Love Him.
Love yourself.
LOVE Everyone; they too are sons and daughters of God.
They too have a special place in God’s eyes and heart. He loves us all equally, and wants the best for us.
What HE wants, if for us to return back to Him and live with Him for the rest of the eternities.
This is what I need to do.

I need to find Faith and Confidence in myself and my abilities to do things.
I know that if I set my mind to it, I will be able to do anything that I most desire to do.
With God, and Christ, anything can be made possible.

Realizing things

I want nothing more than to do the best that i can, to become the person that God knows that I can become.
gradually and ever so slightly I am realizing my potential that I have, and my worth as a daughter of God. I need to know this, to figure this out about myself. this is why i have been feeling the lost feelings that i have been feeling.
I have turned away from god, He hasn't turned away from me.....i know that this has been a test of my faith. faith in myself. in others. in God. I need to set my faith straight first before i try to set anything else straight first. I need to put God first in my life, and have everything else follow Him. if i do this everything will be so much easier and more beneficial to me.
i need to start doing the things that he has counseled us to do.
i need to have patience with myself, and God...

I am starting to see what i need to start doing to accomplish the things I am needed to accomplish during my time here on this earth.
i am starting to see my true potential.
even though it may not make complete sense right now, i have a better idea of what I am supposed to see.
God has let me see a bigger part of the puzzle.
i am not completely at bay and don’t not know things.
i know that if i put my trust in him, i will be directed and do the things that I need to be doing. Christ is my support system.
he is my comfort. my savior. my brother.
he suffered for all these inadequate feelings i have felt.
he has felt the pains; confusions, the love, and belonging.
he is the only one that knows me.
he knows my thoughts and feelings.
he knows my hearts most righteous desires.
he knows me by name.

I need to realize this more often and not take it for granted.

vast encompassing

reading or hearing about someone who is lonely, depressed or lost in a world of darkness,

it breaks my heart to see, or hear it.

it makes me want to be able to reach out to them and tell them that it will be okay, that life is going to still keep going, the world is still rotating on it's axis...but then it hits me...Most of what these people are going through, I have never had the faintest idea of what they are or may be experiencing.

and then light was shed into my bleak perspective,

that there is someone who knows ALL about what you are going through.

Christ knows how it feels to be emotionally, physically, and mentally sick. He knows your aches and pains; your thoughts of emptiness, sorrow, He knows the ups, downs, and loops of your emotional roller coaster. HE experienced every single paper cut we have had, He has gone through and suffered for everything that we can ever imagine.

So, when you feel like there is no one to turn to, no place else left to go, turn to Christ. His arms are always open, waiting patiently to embrace all that are willing to submit and Come unto Him.

Christ will always be there when you need Him; it is never He who has left you, but YOU who has left His presence. YOU, are the one who has blocked Him out of your life. Come back into the light and feel His love for you, embrace your Heavenly Father and His son, Jesus Christ. They are one in purpose....Come back and feel His love for you.

Life

No one wants to sit on the sidelines of life and watch someone else live the life that they want to live. Get up off the sideline and get in the game. Feel the sweat from a good game fall from your brow, fighting for what you want most from life, the joy of accomplishing something others thought was the impossible, and the ecstasy of helping others along the way to reach their goals, as well as reaching your own. Stop watching and wishing you could have that life, get out and live it, experience living for yourself.

Observation

While sitting anywhere, or walking down the street I find myself looking into the eyes of the passerby, looking into their soul and seeing how much in a world of hurt some are; others ecstasy, melancholy, and all emotion that you may think about. When I see this, I only wish that I could some how reach out to them and help them.

But I am faced with problems of my own and find that I can only do so much for them and for myself. Though I have something different that I CAN reach out to them with and help them; I am ME. Just by being myself and doing what I was taught to do, I can make a difference in someones life.

I was told so the other day at work.
One of the girls I work with has been having a few problems and I just tired to make her smile and let her know that I love her.
She responded with how much she loves me because I make her happy when she is not emotionally well.

I am glad that I have affected at least one person in my life.