August 30. Crash And Burn

OUch!

Well today I finally got my last dirt bike ride in before I went up to school.
What a day and ride.
First, my Dad and I went to my Uncle's house to help him stain his deck, then we took him with us to go riding out in the boonies behind the hospital.
Man if there ever was a term for being dusted out worse than fog, that sure was what we had going. Most of the trails were horribly dusty, and rocky in some places.
Hahaha I haven't been riding for at least 3 months, and I wasn't used to this area very much.
SOOOOooooo I just got what I deserved I guess. I ended up on my LEFT side every freakin time I biffed it. I pretty much lost count at 8 times down. More than half, were when I was going down a hill. I almost rolled feet over head down this one where I really scratched up my arm. 8)
My father kept getting at me because I wasn't utilizing my clutch as much I should have.
WHat do you expect when he and my uncle took me on some really hard stuff? Ya i did finally learn and got a bit more comfortable, into my groove by the end.
I just had a few confidence issues on some hills UP and DOWN.
Man. We went through some pretty narly tree trails, and on this one time when we were coming back we had to make our own trails. I ended up going through a few trees I THOUGHT my dad went through, but he didn't; so this is where the tree attacked my arm and shoulder and helmet.
Pertty cool scratches. HA.
And a few bruises on my legs... I am glad that I didn't die though. I came close to it going up a few rocky steep, rutted hills...I thought I was going to die.

I'm still here. SOre, alive, and bruised.
Yet to live another day.

August 29. Finally giving it up

A final development of a long past feeling has finally come to breach my minds vault.
It is finally going to take place, I don't care how much anyone is against it.
It is what I feel needs to happen right now.
It needs to be given up for me to remain sane.
I am sure if anyone is reading this you are very clueless at to what I am getting at....you ready.?
I am swearing off anything that deals with guys, other than friendships.
I am taking the words: dating, relationships, marriage, and quite frankly, "falling in love" out of my vocabulary until like 3 years or so from now.
Life I think can be more pleasant for me.
I know that something will happen to where I will wonder why, but you know what?
It's not worth being hurt over and over and OVER again, with the same outcome.
I've faced it.
I have come to terms with what my future may not hold.
WIth this realization, I have felt peace.
Please try to otherwise convince me, go ahead.
It will be like trying to get a tow rope through the eye of a needle.
Inconceivable.
I am not going to break down and give into conformity.
I will think about changing my views, when I feel it is time to.
So long broken heart; so long jerks who all want to say things and not mean them or do what they say they will do, goodbye wanting to want happiness with someone.
Hello to living a happier life, without worry, confusion, and on to a happy single life.
you may be thinking, otherwise.

thanks for your time i so convieniantly wasted.
8) have a nice day!

AUGUST 28. Lived Learned loved lost

You know it seems to be relentless.
The fact that I haven't ever been asked on a date
(one I classify as the three P's : paired off, paid for, planned.)
Let alone been on one.
WHen the many flocks of people have found this out,
They can't help but make a huge thing out of it.
Okay I can see where they are coming from, but
I have gotten past the fact I don't get asked out on any dates.
I like being single, don't get me wrong, but it would be nice to have something more so.
to have someone there who really cares about you and what happens to you,
genuinely; not just because.

I have been on a few 'dates' if you want to call them that.
Group dates, where I have had some part in paying either half, or more than half of the cost.
What is it with guys and them not asking me on dates?
I feel I have the right to ask this....What is their problem?

The case been so far as that a few of my guy 'friends', after finding out I haven't been on a date
have told me that they would take me on one....yet they never seem to be able to follow through with it. Why is that? WHy can't they promise something and follow through with it?
Is it TOO much to ask?

I keep wondering and coming to the conclusion that it is something wrong with me. BUt a wise friend of mine told me that it is only right a very small part of the time. The other part is when It is some other factor, or someone elses problem. And she even went on to say that she hopes Heavenly Father has something big in store for me since I haven't had the little experiences.
I would want to have those small ones, dates, to progress a bit and then be able to know what I want to look for and have in my life.
Gah

Why so complicated?


LIVE. LEARN. LOVE.

Aug. 26. Contemplating at work

In it all today,
these last few weeks I have had lots of time to think to myself
about endless things.

One thing that came to me today,
stuck with me all day,
and wouldn't leave me alone

sometimes you don't realize what you had or could have been,
until you don't have it anymore.

August 26. Anxiously Awaiting

So
School is fast approaching.
For some their time has already come to leave.
I am already missing them.
What to do these last 11 days without those here to be with.
I am counting down the days, hours, and minutes until my time comes.
I can't wait to be up in Rexburg to see all of my friends I haven't seen in such a long time,
others only 4-5 months, but still a long time

I am still working.
I will be working until the day before I leave this place.
September 6 is the day I leave.
Happy hour.
I can't wait to get up there and get settled down.

RExBURG
Here I come!

August 21. The battle for my heart

this circle is fiction.
yes, it stands with the greatest fear, that somehow communicating will end us all.
and as we hollow the purpose
it would seem life is simply about just moving on
instead of learning to love.

i've been thinking about just giving you right up
and forgetting your name
but you know there's more to this than that.

i swore i would never love,
not before white dresses and better luck
but here we are
my heart is wrung from you.
and as we center the focus we can see
your life is simply about
just getting over me and on with you

i know that this will all work out
but somehow your fear leaves you in doubt.
this is the place where all your past wont let you go.
your best friends believe me and that's alright
but i never loved them so how do i convince myself
you are worth letting go?

over the years i loved them but they never loved back;
and here we are
in this moment
and then she says that.
can you even hear the words my heart is telling you tonight?
why must the coldness in your heart speak through your eyes?

Joy in tomorrow.
The battle.

Yet another perfect description of my life as it is right now.

August 21. The sum of all my fears.

today i just don't know.
I guess that's the hardest part of letting go.
my fear is chasing me down empty halls.
i have no clue of what to think or feel at all.

i know time will let us go so i need you
more than you'll ever know.

i waited two days and my body couldn't wait anymore.
then i saw you and i knew i knew for sure
because seeing you was the best part of today.
i just want to hold you.
i want to give it all away.

i know time will let us go so i need you baby,
more than you'll ever know.
i wrote letters in hopes that you could see my heart.
i'm sorry for letting my hands precede your part.

i'm exactly where i hate it.
i am the sum of all my years;
but i'm learning,
i'm learning to FEAR.
to fear the stars and the ONE who made them
that's where all learning begins,
when you realize love can only come through
Him.

-Joy In Tomorrow: The heart

This sums up everything I feel right now.
I love this song.
so simple, yet so deep.

August 19. Ceaseless cares.

Lost in thought with a world that ceases to spin,

Endless attacks of negativity assaulting the hippocampus

Forcing her minds' movie to reel back and forth through time,

as the world and endless planets revolve around their gravitational pull.

What is this unseen force that causes her mind, body, soul, and life to

gravitate around?

What is the driving force behind it all?

and what keeps it going??

When the attacks of negativity cease their attempt to bore abyssal holes into

her mind, it is replaced by the welcoming optimism;

showering her planet with unfathomable beauty.

the meteor showers at dusk, memories that almost stop time,

slowing it down enough to capture her

and give her something to forever cherish in the Eternities to come.

Lost in the gift of ceaseless beauty of her mind.

August 19. Which fork in the road?

Seeing the light so clearly,

reassuring the thoughts and feelings previously felt.

But an obstruction to her sight seems to come at times when things start to become discouraging.

A stumbling block seems to ALWAYS pop out

like daisies in the first of spring;

Always catching or attempting to catch her unawares.

Confusion emanates from things she tries to do or thinks about doing.
But the light seems to come back intermittently;
going away as well, the same it came.

Is she right in thinking what she thinks is right?

or should she be thinking or feeling something different than she does?

Should she continue going with what could happen, or just for what's there today?

Confusion; the Unknown; all things become hazy.
This must be brought on through He, who can NOT have the same joy she feels.
Is this all a ploy to have her second guess herself when she knows it's right?

What path does she take now?

August 17. Memories

Making Believe,

Pictures Flooding Into

My Mind

Captivated

Sitting Motionless

Mezmorized By Pictures;

Lost In The Past

August 17. Opptimistic

Am I forgetting others and focusing on my needs only? I may sometimes but honestly I feel I care more for others than I do about myself sometimes. Okay, most of the time I forget to take care of my needs. I get so wrapped up in wanting to help and FIX others problems, to be in some form of control! MY mind gets so lost in trying to figure out how to help others I forget that I have my own I need to attend to as well. I think, and am pretty sure, that this is my my sharing of my problems has become so difficult for me and end up bottling it all up; hoping that if no one would notice, I would forget about them myself and somehow magically they would go away. But what is left unsaid, or unwritten, festers and continues to build until I Break Down. This happened more than a few times at school this last semester and I realized that I DO have people I can talk to. That was when I started seeking to not let the storm become uncontrollable. I am getting better. I have finally found a balance.

ANYWHO

I feel like I am one of those people
God has molded in His hands
to be His instrument
and do His work.

I have met sooooo many people
and have either only known them for
a few seconds,
minutes,
months,
etc.
and have no clue why I met them.

I know though, that there was a purpose and is a purpose to EVERYTHING in this life.

I have the gift of unconditional love.

I think that this is why I have met and helped so many people for a season,

because my God, my Savior, had a reason for it.

Looking back through my short 20 years of life,

I can see all the lives I've touched and have been touching.

I can see it now.

I was ALWAYS told I had this special spirit and light about me,

that my testimony is soooo strong.

I have finally see what they see in ME!

I am becoming who I am and was foreordained to become;

With bumps and bruises along the road.

I am making it,

And I am seeking,

reaching out to those who I see need my love and help.

I have seen this love, work, and help with a friend of mine.

He was such a good kid, still was through high school,

he just made some choices he shouldn't have,

but I kept after him;

Letting him know that I loved him as a friend and heavenly brother,

and cared about him.

I didn't want to lose him.

And with all that persistence and maybe from others as well,

he is now going on a mission!

You have no IDEA how happy and proud of him that made me.

I was so full of JOY!

I think that that was how Heavenly Father feels when we,

His children, take a step closer to Him.

I can feel it, through His love.

It's all around us.

EVERYTHING in existence and around us

was given to us because He loves us so much.

We will be forever in and Eternally in Debt to Him,

For all that He's done, does, and will do.

Seek to always be the slow one who hangs behind to

Encourage

Carry

Love

Listen

and Uplift

Those who cannot on their own.

Do as Christ would do.