December 19. Storms.

Storms rolling forth, circling their prey. Rolling and rumbling, emitting sounds of anger. Waiting for the right moment to unleash its ferocity upon the onlookers below.
Great patience is needed for such a task. . . Minutes pass by. . . still keeping those waiting, expectant. Finally, word comes and the storm, capturing unawares, unleashes the beast within. leaving nothing behind but a tumultuous wake of chaos to any who may have survived.
The storm dissipates, as if nothing was once there, nothing that could have ever caused this much damage. The survivors didn't know what hit them. All that was once chaotic is now calm and beautiful.
Dumbfounded, how could something this bad have ever occurred? They never would have thought something this devastating could have happened to them.

10 December. A whirlwind of chaos

There seems to be an antagonist
in the front door to my facade.
Coming to extort my sanity;
breaking me down to the last few threads
that have somehow managed to hang on.
Making me more vulnerable to the stress
of the antagonism and other stressors of life.
Evoking unwanted emotions,
merging with pleasant feelings.
concocting a whirlwind of mental and physical chaos.
What is going on? Why won't the antagonist
cease his attacks?
I wish only to be left alone
with some from of peace and my sanity
to move on with things of happier light.

Please retreat from this facade,
and leave me in peace....

10 Dec. Anyone there?

It seems that I've got these enormous holes in the road to my future;
concealing me from that which I want most.
What are they? Where'd they come from?
What is holding me back from crossing this first one?
I'm afraid I'll be consumed by the vast enveloping darkness.
I can vaguely see what could be on the other side;
It could be worth falling down and failing a few times for,
to see what it could be, and what may be.
I really want to run, and jump over this vast pothole
but something is making me hesitant of reaching this goal;
this worthwhile object.
Why can't I just do like others and just go for it like there's no yesterday.
What is it going to take to conquer these fears of mine?
How can I overcome this hesitancy?

Will there be anyone there for me?

Nov 22. Please would you?

Hey to whomever reads this, Please check this page out. My friend is having a hard time and was looking to see if anyone out there, our of the kindness of their heart would help him maybe get back on his feet. He is trying to raise some money to get a computer back so he can go back to school. Please check this out. 

People can read my story and chose if they want to donate or not.http://mattrendo.chipin.com/a-new-school-computer

I hope everyone has an amazing Thanksgiving break and week! I know I am going to.

Thanks for reading!

Nov 16. My own profoundness. ON Nov 18.

DONT WORRY about it love.
It will all work out.
Get in your zone of amazingness and remember that God is there for you and He has a plan for you. 
You will not be stressed if you just remember that He loves you and Has something for you.
I had some stressing stuff with scheduling as well b/c the times didn't work out for the classes I wanted to take for next semester. But I felt I should take some other class at a different time and thought:
maybe it is His intervention and it made it much easier.

when it feels like satan is just trying to make a situation worse don't let him get down and just think and remember that it could be the lord helping you along the way to something that He needs you to do for him! that it is the Lord's way of intervening in your life and letting you know that you need to go somewhere else, because there is someones life you are supposed to influence. and He needs you to do His work, by being their angel.
That it is the Lord's way of letting you know that you need to go somewhere else, because there is someones life you are supposed to be in and influence. 

and He needs you to do His work.


WOW I wrote this while talking to a friend of mine the other day and realized, that instead of writing it for her, I was actually writing it for me. I was the one that needed to hear all of this. It still amazes me how I figure things out these days...
man.

October 31. Recent Development

I really am starting to kick myself in the pants.
For the past many weeks, since I have been up here at school, and especially since my birthday on the 20 of This month, I have been having this thought that I need to call my grandparents.
Did I call them the moment I had that thought???
Heavens no. I had so much going on, and with school, my teaching calling, and other things in my life, I just thought I couldn't find the time to call them for at least a few minutes. Most of the time I would set a time to call them, but when that time came around I would forget, and it would be too late to call them when I remembered.

With recent development, I found out two days ago, that my grandmother, who is my dad's step-mother, went to the doctors the other day because she had jaundice, and this pain in her abdomen . . .
Come to find out, she has a mass between her liver and pancreas. She went to Huntsman's today for an appointment to see how big the mass was, what it contained, and how big the area it was that it is in. I don't really remember all of the details of what is going on, but my grandfather (my dad's dad, has diabetes and on set Alzheimer's) can't be left alone for this reason, so my dad's little sister has been taking care of them. My aunt's husband's mother, the one that is taking care of my grandpa, is a nurse and was telling my aunt that cancer of the pancreas is a very serious thing and surgery. My grandma will have to go through chemotherapy after her surgery....

So my mother and I were just talking today about how my Grandpa is taking this. He seems to be doing so well with everything that is going on, that it almost seems weird. For having his first wife die of breast cancer, and now his second having Pancreatic cancer you think that he would be doing worse, I know I wouldn't be handling this situation as well as he is right now. But, I guess you can say that he is a lot stronger than I am, considering he has lived almost 85 years, and I only 20; he definitely has some experience with life on me.

But you know, Right now I don't really want to think of the possibilities of the things that might happen. I have not been to see my grandparents for almost a year and a half now, and. . . it saddens me that I have not had the opportunity to do so, especially now considering the situation.
If you are reading this, I know that my family will be praying and fasting for the Lord's will to be done, could you also keep my family in your prayers.... It would be much appreciated...

Loves.

October 29. Closure is such a beautyful thing!

So yesterday I finally told myself that I needed to get some closure on a few things from this summer....and it wasn't an easy task on my part. It definitely took me a few months to muster up the courage to get this to happen.

I have had an issue with my failing self confidence lately, well okay pretty much for a very long time, and I was getting to the point to where I could do things with confidence this summer until my story happened this summer. Ever since then I have been so hard on myself, and I keep letting myself believe that I wasn't worth what others kept insisting. I had this mind set that the reason why I couldn't get asked out on dates was that I was just not as worth it as the other girls I knew that were the ones being asked out. And just a recent time when I was with one of my friends from the beginning of college life, she said something to me, and I guess that is was what set me off on this course of action. She told me that if I keep forgetting that I am worth it, I am going to drive her to go crazy, because I AM fun, I AM smart, I AM cool, and Beautiful. All I lack is confidence, and it is easy to come by. I think that this is what set me off yesterday. I realized that I was holding too much on to what really wasn't anything in the past, so that I couldn't go on and believe that I could have an amazing and HAPPY future. I had been dwelling too much in the past, and I wanted out so bad.

So, I sought out my closure.

I was down at Jamba getting me a White Gummy smoothie, when I got it. I don't know how to describe it; it's like some switch was flipped down in the depths of my brain and everything just made sense, I felt so much......more happy. I guess it is what you can call a slim part of true happiness. I don't know what came over me. The last thing he said to me was: "Good. Go be happy." Ya that is really not that special of something to say, but the thing is, that's what I am really looking for; and I did just that. While I was walking the 6 or so blocks home, with a detour to the Post office, I felt so much more; I was so light. I usually never say hello to people as I am walking anywhere, and yesterday, I did just that; I said "Hi" or "Hello" to EVERYONE I walked past. I don't really know what it was that had/has overcome me, but I just feel like I can conquer the world now. I think that I have found my once lost confidence again.

I also noticed a change in the way I walk, I keep my head and eyes up as I am walking to class. I look people in the eye and say hello to them as we cross paths. I believe in myself, and that good things can and will happen to me.

I just had to open my eyes and see that there is something out here for me; there is somewhere for my feet to lead me to, and there is someone out there for me.