October 31. Recent Development

I really am starting to kick myself in the pants.
For the past many weeks, since I have been up here at school, and especially since my birthday on the 20 of This month, I have been having this thought that I need to call my grandparents.
Did I call them the moment I had that thought???
Heavens no. I had so much going on, and with school, my teaching calling, and other things in my life, I just thought I couldn't find the time to call them for at least a few minutes. Most of the time I would set a time to call them, but when that time came around I would forget, and it would be too late to call them when I remembered.

With recent development, I found out two days ago, that my grandmother, who is my dad's step-mother, went to the doctors the other day because she had jaundice, and this pain in her abdomen . . .
Come to find out, she has a mass between her liver and pancreas. She went to Huntsman's today for an appointment to see how big the mass was, what it contained, and how big the area it was that it is in. I don't really remember all of the details of what is going on, but my grandfather (my dad's dad, has diabetes and on set Alzheimer's) can't be left alone for this reason, so my dad's little sister has been taking care of them. My aunt's husband's mother, the one that is taking care of my grandpa, is a nurse and was telling my aunt that cancer of the pancreas is a very serious thing and surgery. My grandma will have to go through chemotherapy after her surgery....

So my mother and I were just talking today about how my Grandpa is taking this. He seems to be doing so well with everything that is going on, that it almost seems weird. For having his first wife die of breast cancer, and now his second having Pancreatic cancer you think that he would be doing worse, I know I wouldn't be handling this situation as well as he is right now. But, I guess you can say that he is a lot stronger than I am, considering he has lived almost 85 years, and I only 20; he definitely has some experience with life on me.

But you know, Right now I don't really want to think of the possibilities of the things that might happen. I have not been to see my grandparents for almost a year and a half now, and. . . it saddens me that I have not had the opportunity to do so, especially now considering the situation.
If you are reading this, I know that my family will be praying and fasting for the Lord's will to be done, could you also keep my family in your prayers.... It would be much appreciated...

Loves.

October 29. Closure is such a beautyful thing!

So yesterday I finally told myself that I needed to get some closure on a few things from this summer....and it wasn't an easy task on my part. It definitely took me a few months to muster up the courage to get this to happen.

I have had an issue with my failing self confidence lately, well okay pretty much for a very long time, and I was getting to the point to where I could do things with confidence this summer until my story happened this summer. Ever since then I have been so hard on myself, and I keep letting myself believe that I wasn't worth what others kept insisting. I had this mind set that the reason why I couldn't get asked out on dates was that I was just not as worth it as the other girls I knew that were the ones being asked out. And just a recent time when I was with one of my friends from the beginning of college life, she said something to me, and I guess that is was what set me off on this course of action. She told me that if I keep forgetting that I am worth it, I am going to drive her to go crazy, because I AM fun, I AM smart, I AM cool, and Beautiful. All I lack is confidence, and it is easy to come by. I think that this is what set me off yesterday. I realized that I was holding too much on to what really wasn't anything in the past, so that I couldn't go on and believe that I could have an amazing and HAPPY future. I had been dwelling too much in the past, and I wanted out so bad.

So, I sought out my closure.

I was down at Jamba getting me a White Gummy smoothie, when I got it. I don't know how to describe it; it's like some switch was flipped down in the depths of my brain and everything just made sense, I felt so much......more happy. I guess it is what you can call a slim part of true happiness. I don't know what came over me. The last thing he said to me was: "Good. Go be happy." Ya that is really not that special of something to say, but the thing is, that's what I am really looking for; and I did just that. While I was walking the 6 or so blocks home, with a detour to the Post office, I felt so much more; I was so light. I usually never say hello to people as I am walking anywhere, and yesterday, I did just that; I said "Hi" or "Hello" to EVERYONE I walked past. I don't really know what it was that had/has overcome me, but I just feel like I can conquer the world now. I think that I have found my once lost confidence again.

I also noticed a change in the way I walk, I keep my head and eyes up as I am walking to class. I look people in the eye and say hello to them as we cross paths. I believe in myself, and that good things can and will happen to me.

I just had to open my eyes and see that there is something out here for me; there is somewhere for my feet to lead me to, and there is someone out there for me.

October 23. Failing dreams

• The best we can be is really who we are.
• It is usually through another person our needs are met.

Always remember you never know who's angel you are supposed to be!
Now is the time to prepare to be worthy and be ready to bless someones life, to be their angel.

So it sure has been quite some time. I feel bad that I haven't written in a long time. I really have been in need of writing my thoughts down. I have just been so lost in the things of school and other peoples lives that I forgot about my own needs. I forgot that it is needed of me to write my thoughts down, or it all builds, and builds and builds up until that climatic moment when everything comes out at once....causing an avalanche of feelings and emotions to come out of the back of my mind like a tsunami to the front; bringing back painful, yet pleasing memories to me.
Playing on the back drop of my mind.

This cataclysmic tsunami occured just this last week. With my not paying attention to the voice in my head that told me to write down what I had been feeling and doing, my sisters problems in her family with her husband, her husbands family and her husbands work, I was more focusing in on that instead of what was at hand. I let myself get carried away thinking about and trying to solve others problems, I forget about my own. I guess in some minute way, that may be good, but it wasn't. I cried. I couldn't help the waterfall of unwanted tears that came rushing down my face. Though after the tsunami wave of emotion left, and with it the tears subsiding, I felt much better; knowing that I had relieved some of the enormous pressure that had been building up. And it also helped that one of my friends was around to help coach me through what I was feeling.
You know, I recently had some feelings come back to me that I thought were gone and never to return. I thought I was over him, but come to find out from recent knowledge, I keep comparing him to other guys that I could like, and do, but they don't match up to him. GAHHH why does this all have to be so complicated and involved. i dont like it.

So, I found out just this week from my mom talkin to the foot and ankle doctor back home in NV, who checked out my ankle from previous injuries, she was telling him that my ankle swells occasionaly after playing soccer, and from other activities...low and behold that is not good news at all. So when I go home for Thanksgiving I have to go to the doctor to get an MRI, to see if there is a hole in the ligament or what, and thus see if I will need to have surgery. But from recent activity and pain in my ankle these past couple weeks, I am pretty sure that the surgery is going to be a MOST LIKELY. And the only time it could happen would be over the three week Christmas break.... not fun at all. I will be on crutches. WOnderful. I guess you get to take the good with the bad....gag.

Who is the angel in my life? Who is supposed to help me through my hard times, and trials? Will I ever know what would have happend if something had gone on with it???

Sleep. My dreams are calling to me....I don't want to wake from them in the morning. I just want to stay asleep forever...